Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Now that I know.


I am the ‘Muko’, and you have informed me, deT. Officially.

So, we have to start thinking about what is supposed to happen. And there are lots of things to prepare for.

For example, we have to choose a ‘Senga’ for you. One of my father’s sisters, of course. But she gets a very special role. Go between for my family, and his family. She is the one who arranges things.

Since I know, everything will be easy.

First, I will inform daddy. My duty. And then, of course, mummy. Not so important, but she must know. (Sorry for the political incorrectness. I am an African male. [glare]) The Ssenga is very important. She will teach you about all the correct and expected behaviour, that my dear Muko will expect.

For example, you don’t look him in the eye, he is a man. You look demurely to the side. Make sure that the water in the bathroom is hot enough before you tell him that it is ready. I have a suspicion that he is a Muganda. Now, that is the most difficult tribe. He will expect you to be his slave in the home, in all but name. But that is your duty as his woman.

By the way, you didn’t tell me, are you the first wife?

[You are startled. I realize that you don’t know]

Sigh. The duties of the elder brother! I will have to find out. Of course I am going to. Find out how many children he has, whether he is willing to make you the official wife. You have to be. And I have to know. Part of the negotiations.

When we get to the bride price, that is a big, big thing.

Forgive me sister, you are white, priceless. A mzungu. Oh, what glory you are going to bring to the family! If he is a Muganda, he will not give me cows. But if he is from the west, I will value you about 30 heads of cattle. Minimum.

Don’t frown, DeT, you have no say in all these things. What you have to do at the moment is to learn all the good behaviour expected by a Rev of you. You must not shame the family. That is what the Ssenga is supposed to do. Marital counseling. Not martial counselling. [Of course he will beat you sometimes, but that is besides the point]

I don’t think we have the Kama Sutra in our tradition, but your Ssenga is supposed to teach you everything.

(Err, DeT, don’t shame me by trying to kiss her. That will certainly distract her)

You are lucky. We are a modern, ‘educated’ family. She will not insist on spending the Night of the Nuptials underneath the bed to give you instructions in pleasuring the man of the house. That is her right. To see that it happens, and of course to bring evidence of your virginity out of the room triumphantly the next day.

So, Sister DeT, you are quiet, are you taking that in? He is a cute guy, I know, but you must not shame the family. That is the most important thing.

GayUganda

23 comments:

The 27th Comrade said...

Oh, we do have a Kama Sutra. But it is too delicate, we pas it on by words-of-mouth alone. :o)

*has no tribe*
*doesn't beat girls - girls beat him*
*has no other wife*

Hmm. Looking good.

Let's see, if I toss in a Chevrolet Cavalier (along with whatever cows, whatever), that may tame your stand on the suitor's bad side. A kind of bribery.

Also, yeah, Central, they don't do cows. They just do lavish gifts. Lavish. Oh, and lots of booze.

gayuganda said...

[aside, very loud whisper]

the Chevrolet Cavalier is the Muko's. You have to say that. If you dont, I wont accept you.

Daddy will get the cows, but the CAR IS MINE!!!!!!!

The 27th Comrade said...

Gwahahahahahahaha.

Eh, this Muko is ... Um, okay. The Chevrolet Cavalier is for Sebo Muko. :o)

gayuganda said...

Good [triumphant]

*side whisper* And that is between you and me, us men. Dont tell her anything about that.

DeTamble said...

Prepare? Does that mean there will be lists? I don't like lists. My mother loves lists. I hate them.

Who exactly gets to choose a Senga for me? Do I get to choose? If so I want the nicest one, who is cool and laid back. And not into excessive list making!

Correct behaviour...Expected Behaviour?! *raises an eyebrow*

I can't look him in the eye? But how are we supposed to have staring contests then?? Also for how long can I not look him in the eye? Is that like a forever rule or can I look him in the eye after the whole marital thing?
Bath water? Don't you think he's old enough to make his own water hot? I mean, he is older the me and he's not a total retard so he should have figured out how to make water hot by now.

My duty as his woman? How's this as a duty, I'll fuck him and he can cook dinner, unless he wants to starve. Because I can't even cook rice.

First and Only wife!! I don't do children. So he better not have any wandering around and I'm not giving him any. There will be no craniums passing through these hips! No matter how pretty Grey babies are.

Priceless? For being White? Finally!! My white skin is useful! I always just found it annoying, but if it gets you more gifts then excellent. I'm glad to be so useful to my family. Since having white skin appears to be the only good thing I got going for me. I'm not very good with the custom things...

30 heads of cattle? Cows? Ohh fine! Couldn't it have been something cool though, like 30 pet lionesses? But he isn't from the west and so you shall get...a car? Rev? You're going to give him a car? Well...alright, whatever floats your boat I guess. I can hear you, you know. Don't worry, I won't tell Daddy.

Good behaviour? I think he wants me entirely because I'm not 'good'. Shame the family? Well, stop watching so closely and you'll think I'm perfect.

He can beat me. In fact I look forward to it ;-)

I can't kiss her? HOW am I supposed to learn if I can't practise on someone?? HUH?? I need someone to practise on! And I know you won't let me practise on you, so you better find me someone for practising. Can I suggest Rev? :P

I don't need instructions on pleasuring a man! :-o I'm a fucking genius already! In fact I bet you a whole damn cow (or car) I can make him pass out with pleasure.

Evidence of my virginity? Oh dear... Ummm. Ahh :-D Rev, here take this knife, cut me, just a little, right here above my hip, we need some blood...

I'm taking it in...and he is cute. :-)

gayuganda said...

Oh gosh, 27th.

Yeah, she grew up in foreign lands.

Please DeT, dont teach little sister these things. Please, please. You will spoil her and Daddy treats her like the apple of his eye. DO NOT for heaven's sake.


By the way, thought she was lying near the fire. Where is she?

Told you am a guy. She is above 13. Surely Mama taught her all about the Senga? I told you I dont know everything.

[sotto voce: sorry about what you overheard, 'bout the car. It was man talk. Nothing to do with you.

told you're a woman. You are not supposed to think about the bride price.]

[raising voice]
Princess?

Hey, Princess, where are you? deT wants to know all about the Ssenga...

DeTamble said...

@GUG: I won't teach her. I don't think she wants to know either. She's more interested in Arthur whereas I prefer ladybird voyeurism. She's probably talking to Knight again. You should watch those two...

It's alright, no need to apologise...though you should bribe me not to tell anyone. How about I get a night with Rev, you know, like a test drive, and you don't tell anyone. Hmm? Secret for secret?

Of course I'm going to be thinking of the bride price! I want to know exactly how much you lot think I'm worth!

@Princess: Come on Sis! Tell me more about the Senga!! And don't you let Knight do that yawn stretch thing to get his arm around you when watching V!

God, I just got here and already you're marrying me off to the nearest Communist. Sheesh! That car better be worth it!

The 27th Comrade said...

:o) "Ladybird voyeurism." Neat. Princess is asleep. We need someone to match DeTamble.

Meanwhile, Red car, Red ... stain (as in, if I find it in me to cut you .. :-o), red, red, red. You were to be sent of to the next Communist already ... Red!

Also, the cows. The cows' existence alone is a nice indicator. Thirty or three. :o)

DeTamble said...

I know I'm not allowed to have anything to do with my price but I say 28 cows and the red car.

Also, Rev, that blood is apparently important so that I don't bring deep shame upon my family :-(

So, how about you hold the knife and I'll push your hand? We only need a little...

The 27th Comrade said...

First of all, where did you hear this stuff about the car? That was between two men.
Wait, nothing was said. What car? Car? Who knows anything about any car?

:o)

On the blood, I'd rather you cut me than I cut you.

DeTamble said...

Alright, I'll cut you. I guess blood is blood and I doubt they're going to get it DNA tested. Anywhere particular? Can I cut right here, on your chest? I promise to kiss it better afterwards. :-)

The 27th Comrade said...

No ... some place more-concealed. Say like ... like on my back. :o)

DeTamble said...

Where ever you think is best. You are the Man, right?

david santos said...

I loved this post and this blog.
Have a nice day.

gayuganda said...

Hi David,

you are welcome. Have a crazy conversation ongoing. Welcome!

Hey, since Princess is going to be late with her explanation of the intricacies of the Ssenga, I have become impatient and decided to move on to the big day itself. deT has to know...

Princess said...

Hey, y'all! I was busy last night(on a date)...NOT asleep, prospective in-law!
I, err, GUG?
Since when am I a Muganda?

'simanyi' these things about ssengas...

gayuganda said...

PRINCESS!!!!!!

I am scandalized. Whatever tribe we are, a girl has her Ssenga. Believe me. She does. You mean Mama has not told you? You mean you have never had a talk?????

Oh, my goodness me (very likely my badness me!) What is to be done? Come girl, off we go to see Mama, at this very moment. deT can wait. 27th will wait. You are going to shame the family!

gayuganda said...

[princess is dragged away by the hair, kicking, fighting and yelling]

Princess said...

*OW! AAAARGH! HELP!

DeTamble said...

*falls to the ground crying with laughter* HA! Sucker Princess! See now it is your turn to fear the shame! :P

Princess said...

*stretches out a hand and grabs DeT's hair.

We's going down together!

DeTamble said...

*shrieks* Oww!!! Fuck!! But I don't wanna see Mama too!! That talk, it'll be so embarrassing!

Eh! Fine! I'll come with. *glares at GUG* I don't see why we have to go all the way to Mama, you were doing fine teaching us.

31337 said...

deT, you knew it had to get dirty. *DEAD*

GUG, loving the posts!

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