Tuesday, January 24, 2017

The Confidence to Be yourself.

Mind is on Somizi.

Trying to figure out what makes us stand up and speak out. Because it is not easy. To go against what our communities think and speak, and being a minority, hearing on a daily basis that we are the worst of the worst. To stand up and say, no, enough is enough is fantastic. Because we are giving ourselves the best gift that a human being can give themselves. Standing up for OURSELVES. Rejecting the rejection the world might have for us. Loving ourselves. Telling ourselves that WE matter. That I matter.

Actually, have been doing something like it this morning. And, I was like, why am I standing up and doing this thing?

Okay, because it concerns me. Because there is a boundary in me that has been crossed, and my ire is raised, and I have said, no further. And, I might be hurt by the rejection, but, I will be more hurt if I let myself think me a dishrag.

Why did Somizi stand up and shout? Definitely, there were other gay people in the church, who sat out the sermon. Who listened to themselves compared to animals, and found to be 'worse off' than the poor animals. Who listened and thought ugly thoughts in their heads, but when Somizi stood up and flounced his way out of the church, they staid put.

May be they feared being outed. Maybe they actually believe that they are worse than animals, which purpotedly would not have a same sex relationship....

Most likely they didnt. But, they didnt stand up for themselves.

And, as for Somizi, am pretty sure he most likely has been listening to those sermons.

I did. And, maybe at first I didnt understand enough, but at a certain point, I opted out.

The first time that Somizi's outbursts came to my attention was here. That outburst, 'your hate will not make me straight' also came from the heart of one frustrated queer African. The bombardment of hate in the name of love can be overwhelming. Imagine, being compared to worse than animals (remember Mugabe and pigs) and then telling you, oh, it is done in love. They cant see the logs in their eyes, as they try to pick out the sticks they see in ours.

That was after the killing of a lesbian woman, Noluvo, in Kayelitsha, a township of Cape Town. It got to him, precipitated something.

And yes...., it does.

And if it is frustration that is the catalyst, the precipitant, why again?

Confidence. Self confidence.

Knowing who I am. That the hate is water off a ducks feathers, that I can stand under that rain and come out whole. And, giving not a shit.

Knowledge of myself that being gay is not a sin..., or a stigmatizing mark that it is made out to be. That I love, hate, and am quite like all other people out there. Only difference really is that, I look at a man and feel my loins stir, and I fall in love with a man. And, most of other men will fall in love with a woman.

So, am different. But not an animal. Or worse than an animal.

And the knowledge that if I am made so by the deities...., then surely they would not turn around and condemn me for what I am!


That makes me get up and stand up for myself. For my people. For other kuchus. For my family.

Because, who I am...., nothing can take that away from me.

Not even the faith of others.