I have been reminded.
I used to blog religiously, take the time to cry, sing, weep.. and air my dirty laundry on the blog faithfully. But now, I don't seem to do the same.
Part of the reason is the fact that I am caught up in another love of the moment. But, it doesnt take away my love of writing. And the self examination that I do on this blog. Kind of venting my thoughts. And, when I do not do it, I feel it, deep down. Something goes missing. In me!
Melodrama.
No. I don't believe I am that egotistical..... My partner believes that I am. But, I do beg to differ. True. I am stubborn. Comes with the territory. Don't think I would be able to do half of what I do if I didnt believe in myself enough to go counter to what is, in effect, common sense in Uganda.
But, I am happy that I do so.
Because, to me, in part, it is my salvation.
Last blogged about our anniversary. Beautiful time then. Loved it.
No wonder I dropped off the radar. Someone asked whether we had gone for a honeymoon.... uh. No. Hadn't.
Kind of seems like we do not have to, in a way.
I have already stated how big days leave me curiously unmoved. Just my stubborn, rebellious self, refusing to be moved by what everyone else swoons and weeps about. But, I did notice something.
Yes, of course I call him husband. I have done so a number of times on this blog. It is not really a joke, or something out of the blue. He is my lover, my companion, my mate. The man I hold in my hands in the middle of the darkest night, who pulls me to his side even when I feel like pushing him away.
I am selfish, a lot. I actually never, ever dreamed that this companionship would be a 'till death us do part thing'.... Bite me, but, I had nothing to make me believe that I would be able to do what others said was impossible.
Being with him, celebrating with him that day reminded me of all my earlier fears.
And, the fact that I had friends, gay Ugandans, and even a couple of my brothers there with me.... Somehow, it kind of sunk home. I do love the guy. We have made our place here, in beautiful Uganda. We have made a paradise of what could be a hell. I could have lived the lie... we both could have done so. And, we didnt. Yes, it costs a lot, but, we didnt.
Yes. We have done the near impossible. Celebrating what we are, and for such a length of time. Affirming ourselves.
Being what I am, I am already looking beyond. But, it was beautiful. Stopping the progression of days to look back and know that, I am gay, and Ugandan. And he is gay, and Ugandan, and we are partners.
Our world may refuse to acknowledge it, but, I call him husband, and he calls me husband.
No. It is not a dream. But, it is the real, and harsh world, of Kampala. Uganda.
And, I will not stop from exploring what I am.
Being gay, being gay in Uganda, and being what I am, it is a disguise. A rose growing fresh in a garden, manured. I can choose to make it that. Or, I can sink and sink further.
Remember the time on this blog when I used to rile so much against unChristian christians? Christianistans, some call them. Fundamentalists who believe in preaching a god of hate, instead of one of love, insisting that that is what their holy book says.
Well,I cannot lose the habit of hitting out at them.
But, it is just that we gay people seem drawn to religion. Very much. I do wonder why!
And, for some reason, I do not find it in my heart to turn away those who come to me hurting, looking for a way to reconcile their faith and their sexuality.
I feel for them.
Because, they believe, and truly. So, what do I have to give them, me who doesnt believe at all? I certainly cannot wave my lack of faith in their faces. I don't believe. But, they have the same right, the same privilege as I do to believe. And, why would I believe that my state of faith is superiour to theirs? No, I don't want them to have no faith like I don't. Because, we are different people.
So, how does gayuganda counsel hurting gay Ugandan Christians?
Gosh, if I had an answer to that, I would not be writing about it here. I feel helpless. But, they keep on coming to me. And asking the questions for which I have no answers....!
Life is tough, isnt it?
Here is to wishing you a lovely day.
gug
6 comments:
I also feel the love, the caring the compassion for all those who still suffer from unanswered questions that generates anxiety about being Gay--the only solution is to keep living and keep ¨being¨ the authentic people that we are meant to be--there is no mistake about this part--authenticity is the key and I think although the ¨screen¨ on which we our lives are is fully illuminated, it is not quite extended into the great healthy PANAROMA that one day the world will see.
Truly inspiring; the way you've found such bliss.
Glad you are blogging again. You are always a breath of fresh air!
GUG, I'd be interested in your views on this article which says, amongst other things,:
"[In Africa] growing interest in Pentecostal and revivalist churches is enforcing superstitions. Pastor-prophets are claiming they can identify child witches and charging hefty fees to exorcise them of their demons. A Bishop in Nigeria made a small fortune charging $261 a pop to perform (supposedly) cleansing rituals."
http://theweek.com/article/index/205188/africas-child-witch-hysteria
Thanks people
Leornado, funny thing is, was like feeling it should not be happening to me.... like so anyway. But, they still make my heart clench. They are seeking, searching for a way out of a blind corner.
Anon, Gug Teen, you are welcome.
Anon, you know..... Maybe I should not comment, cause it will bring out all my huge disatisfaction with religion, especially the evangelicals and what they are doing in the name of their deities.
I have always considered "religion" as a man-made version of spirituality. And because of that, limited. Prone to fallacy. And always, always open to abuse and mis-interpretation.
Most people who can't reconcile "God" and "gay" actually mean that they can't reconcile their religion with "gay".
Or, quite often, and worse, their received interpretation of their religion, with "gay".
That's a very far cry from "God" and "gay".
So you have to start with an un-ravelling - a taking apart of all your received interpretations of what you think you know about "God". and also what you think you know about "gay".
That's when you realise how much man-made stuff has been piling up inside your head, right from when you were born, getting in the way of your own, direct clarity of understanding.
It's part of what Wordsworth, and English poet, meant when he wrote: "Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting... Shades of the prison-house begin to close upon the growing boy..." (Intimations of Mortality).
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