Coming out.
It’s a very necessary concept, to us kuchus. First studied and defined relative
to ‘western’ culture it still holds true for LGBTQ+ individuals everywhere on
this small ball of mud we call earth. Because we are a special grade of normal
human being…!
LGBTQ+ studies have a fairly
extensive tradition in the west, less so in our environment.
As kuchus, we
predate colonial times in Africa. Experiences of LGBTQ+ kuchus, before the introduction
of state
sponsored and religion defined homophobia must have been quite different. This
would definitely have defined our ‘coming out’ as the experience is culture
specific. Sadly, we are left with little written down of the experienced lives
of the kuchu then.
As defined at the moment, ‘Coming
Out’ is a mix (conflation) of one’s personal realisation that one is different
and subsequent disclosure to family and friends.
First is that realisation that even though most of one’s world is heterosexual,
one is ‘other than heterosexual’. Just different.
One then presumably gathers enough understanding of their sexuality to be able
to ‘come out’ and disclose or voluntarily tell significant others close to
them; the nucleus family and supportive close friends. This coming out helps
with continued normal growth and development of the young person.
Of course our world is freaky. This ‘happily-ever-after’ bed time story remains
a bed time dream even in the fabled Kuchu (LGBTQ+) knowledgeable and friendly
west. ‘Homophobia’ is a wide prejudice and lived experience. And coming
out can go wrong, or be
delayed.
Our environment, in Uganda and in
Africa in general is hostile. You can die simply because you have told someone
that you are different. Your parents, your family, your very friends can be the
most dangerous of confidantes. Disclosing to them that you are kuchu,
different, might mean being cast out. From friends, from family, from
everything that you feel is precious in life. It might mean being pressured to
the indignity of a ‘family intervention’, urged into the arms of anti-gay
bigots for ‘healing and a cure’ of that which is not broken.
Disclosing that you are kuchu is simply something that we might not have the
luxury of doing. You would
risk prison and death too, in Uganda.
But, ‘Coming Out’ is not just
‘disclosure’ or telling people that you are kuchu. ‘Coming out’ the
psychological concept, starts with us. Us as in the individual concerned.
Me, the individual, understanding and accepting and acknowledging that I am not
heterosexual. That I am different. That I am kuchu.
You might be anywhere on the
‘alphabet’ (LGBTQ+). Coming out to yourself is still the first step in
self-acceptance, in becoming whole as a human being, not cutting yourself off
from part of what you are.
That is why it is so important.
If you don’t have this self-realisation, this self-acknowledgment, this moment
of self-revelation, it is like you remain incomplete, always. And yes, that
causes problems. A first step, the full journey not known, but an important
first step.
Uganda, and Africa, for an LGBTQ+ individual of any shade, a kuchu, it is a supremely hostile environment. My sincere pity to the young that are kuchu like me- the journey is tough. But, that is not to only say I feel pity. You will be forged in fires. If you survive, why, you will be scarred, but strong. And that is important, in our environment.
Coming out to one’s self. That journey. When I read of this account, of someone who knew that they were gay, homosexual at 10 years of age, I shook my head in wonder. Not because I didn’t believe it. But because that depth of insight into our very self is denied us by conditions on the continent. Of course we get the usual stirrings of hormones at puberty…, but, the mind is a huge and terrible machine.
Coming out in our environment. First we know that we cannot be homosexual, before we even understand what the words mean. Then we soak in the hate and bile and wretchedness on the airwaves. And then we get to start feeling that we are different, and, horror of horrors, we are the demented, deviled, horrible and cursed, homosexuals.
No wonder our minds and selves hide from the facts.
Cruising the net, I came
across this article of a lady that was morbidly obese. And, she was so
deeply in denial she couldn’t ‘see’ that she was. She was aware, and the mind
shunted the knowledge away safely. Even when she moved all full length mirrors
out of the house, and did other things to make sure the unconscious knowledge of
her obesity didn’t register in her own conscious mind.
Those extremes of denial by us kuchus are common place in Uganda, and in much
of Africa, and for many LGBTQ+ individuals who can pass. We blind ourselves to
who and what we are, even when that knowledge screams for attention in our
minds.
That is to say, we go deep in denial, if we have the luxury of passing.
A very important distinction; the
luxury of passing. Most of us kuchus in Africa have to learn very, very, very
early to pass or safely mimic heterosexuals. A few of us don’t pass that
crucial test. And, I can only wonder at how they surf the waves of prejudice
and frank hatred in their lives.
My love and hugs to them. They bear the brunt of hostility because they are
‘effeminate’ or sissies or too manly or ‘butch’. Some might actually be
heterosexual, but this world of ours is a brutal jungle for anyone perceived
‘homosexual’, whether it is true or not.
So, if most of us have learnt to hide, and hide well..,
Why the hell should we do this ‘coming out’? That is for the next post.
gug
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