Fallout

I am seated at home, and a message comes in on my phone. I check it out, and show it to my lover. Here is the full text.

“You man you are gay that man is not yr wife he is a man like u am so disappointed in u Jesus loves u and he is not happy. Repent, now is the time.”

A simple message actually. Someone who saw me on TV maybe. Someone who knows me enough to have my mobile number. Who knows that I live with my lover. And he knows the ‘secret’ that before I would have died rather than reveal.

True. I am scared.

I am a human being. I may appear brave and all, but I am also a human being. I said before that I had entered the lion’s den and bearded him. Yes, I have. But that does not mean that I am not scared.

A message like that is very frightening. Should I reply to the number? My lover tells me not to. I think about it for a second, and I follow his advice.

So, who is it? Why has he or she sent me the message? What do they expect? What are they capable of?

I would be stupid not to be scared. And again I would be stupid to take off and run because of this. Not stupid bravado, but just plain sense. I have outed myself. That is a fact. I do have a lot of control on many things, but this was necessary.

Just that now it is becoming more personal. A few days, I hope, and then I will have weathered it, I hope.

GayUganda

Fear

It is a funny thing. Fear, that quizy feel in my stomach.

Yesterday, I was in fear. Real fear. Yet I could not admit it to myself. But I could not eat. And my partner was in fear too. Expecting to be arrested! Funny thing. Yet on the other hand, I realised that we have been so high profile that it is hard for us to be arrested for what we are doing. We are just using our freedom as Ugandans to talk about homosexuality positively.

Yeah, I know Nsaba Buturo is against any freedoms for kuchus like us. But the media houses are receiving us. And we are talking and talking, and I feel that, few as we are the hate that is coming from the other side is too virulent.

But I sat down (or paced up and down) and asked myself how I can be attacked. Various ways. And I am vulnerable against a ruthless state machinery if it is used. So, I thought about insurance. What to do in case of an attack. Contingency plans. Yes, I do have to insure myself against these attacks. Because they will come, especially if I go ahead and take a more prominent attacking role.

Anyway, I have to talk to my lover, just in case. Contigency planning. A very necessary thing, but wow, how the odds are shiveringly short. Yes, I can disappear. Just wiped off the face of this lovely earth. If I do, I will have gone. Dont cry for me. Life is short, just remember the good times alone!

But lets not be morbid. I will have many more years and live to bore you more with my lousy blogging. Gosh, it is hard but necessary to think about the what if.

GayUganda