Sexual Mores.

deTamble has been curious whether I love a ‘moaner’ during sex. You know, someone who cheers you on enthusiastically during the act, making it a total experience for the both of you. [Got you, sis]!

She asked first time, I dodged the question.

She is a persistent one, the lady. Asked me again, I ducked. Again, and I feinted. She became even more persistent, and I became more resolute. I would not tell her whether I liked the loudspeakers booming during the act, and the crescendo of the climax underlined with vocal drumbeats. She ended sulking away, not understanding why I am not able to answer such a question. Such a simple question, in a way.

I, on my part, am also highly amused. I think I do understand what is happening.

Cultural differences. I am an African man, who has been taught, growing up, that talking about sex just does not happen. Not in polite conversation at least.

Of course I did talk dirty with my mates. Expected, and hell, part of my ‘cover’.

And I have talked dirty with girls. Those that I was hoping to bed. It is like an unwritten rule. Just doesn’t happen, in polite conversation.

I think my society is very highly sexed. Extremely highly sexed. But there are certain things that are not talked about in ‘polite’ conversation. I am gay, and have made my sexuality a big ‘theme’ of my blogging. Of course I have shocked many with the openness. I was amused when 27^th was teased by someone of having a crush on me. Mortifying to him, and he had decided not to continue that conversation till I teased him back. Yet he happens to be one of the more open ones, of the Ugandan bloggers. Princess dares not talk about it. [Ok, if you do, pray, post something about sex, as a dare]

Highly hypocritical, but a glaring fact.

During the debate on having the play ‘Vagina Monologues’ perfomed in Uganda, the liberal ladies were asked to say the word ‘vagina’ on radio. Most hesitated. It is the incomparable Miria Matembe who could dare talk about her ‘V’ and demand the right to talk about it. I remember one time that she was actually asked to translate it into her mother tongue. She did not dare say that on radio.

That sexual more seems to be quite strong. Ask most people when they first had sex, and they will point to their teens. In the village, it was traditional for a 17 year old man to have his own hut, separate from the family, ready for marriage. A 13 year old girl with budding breasts is taken as sexually mature. Yet the law in Uganda forbids sex below the age of 18.

The sexual hypocrisy has had some funny consequences.

If you listen to our media, you may be forgiven to think we are a pristine, sexless society, by some of the official positions. For example, the promotion of condoms only became legal about 5 years ago. And it is illegal to supply them in schools. Talking about safe sex in school is a nightmare. One is supposed to talk about the virtues of ‘abstinence’ and ‘being faithful’ in marriage. Condoms are not supposed to be talked about. And they are actively de-campaigned, because teaching teenagers about them will make them promiscuous.

The play ‘Vagina Monologues’ was banned, official campaigns for HIV prevention based on abstinence, with Abstinence rallies, promotion of virginity, and something called ‘secondary virginity’ are the in thing. The cultural silence about sex is replaced by the nightmarish ‘no sex’ promotion. Sex is simply a bad thing which is not discussed in polite conversation. Better to talk about how holy ‘no sex’ is, than to talk about hitting the summit with drums roaring, of multiple climaxes, not in polite conversation!

Oh, of course one is not supposed to talk about homosexuality, or homosexual sex, but to condemn it. Was it Queen Victoria who asked what lesbians do in bed? Most Ugandans think that homosexuality is about sex. Sex and only sex.

Someone asked me on this blog, very politely, whether all gay men were as ‘passionate’. I was laughing to myself as I answered that. Surely all men are passionate? Guess I am (mis)-representing African gay men as very open about sex and sexual matters.

Guess I am open. Cant help it. Just have to be, after breaking some of the ‘absolutes’ of my growing up! But I still cant help being what I am, an African man.

So, do I love a ‘moaner’ in bed?

Seriously sis, told you that I am gay. Not hoping to bed you. Not interested. And it still seems creepy for me to tell you about what does happen in my bed with my, err, lover. I bet you do love a moaner, don’t you deT? I am a prude, missionary style only!

GayUganda

Sex and Hypocrisy, Cultural contexts

It’s a fact that our take on life differs from one community to another.

I have been reading this article- N.Y.'s Spitzer linked to prostitution ring. In short, the Governor of one of the states in the US was caught on tape arranging for a sex worker to meet him.

Sex is an interesting thing. It grabs the attention of humans like nothing else does.

In Uganda, we tend not to talk about sex. (Not in 'polite' society, the ‘savedee’ community is so big, and so vocal, that many tend to forget that sex is a major topic in the majority of the community.)

But it is a fact that people talk about sex and sexual things and the First Lady and fellow ‘Abstinence Campaigners’ are living in cloud cuckoo land. We do have sex, lots of sex, gay and straight.

And the culture of not talking about it in ‘polite’ society is so heavy that when one listens to those who shout, you may be forgiven to think that sex is not on the minds of Ugandans.

For example, most men in Uganda are polygamous. Matter of fact. It is the African way. On one memorable occasion, I listened with horror as the President of the country told the UN General Assembly that in Africa, we do not kill women. We marry them.

Horrible, when you think of what has been happening in the north of the country for years with rape as a weapon of war, as it is in the DRC. And the reports of rape, men, and women in Kenya.

Anyway, sex is this taboo subject which the political correctness of hypocrisy means that it may be considered a faux pas to intimate that the President does have other wives, other than the First Lady who preaches abstinence. I will not mention the First Ladies of Kenya!!

So, the New York governor gets a hooker, and pays her the equivalent of 5 Million Uganda Shillings for services provided (2 hours; and people wonder why Africans want to storm the promised dollar lands of Europe and the Americas!).

Poor guy, he is caught on tape. And, more than that, it is revealed to the press.

We are hypocrites in Africa about sex, but I must say that it is the new culture of sexual abstinence which has made us this bad. We used not to talk about sex, but talk about it so much that we did not need to put it out in the public domain. I mean, for me to say that my myriad half brothers and sisters are not because they are not the children of my mother would be seriously wrong. They are part of the clan.

But Americans, those are true sexual hypocrites! A land where sex is free, and at the same time so severely restricted that the mere intimation that Bush does have sex with Laura may be a scandal (except that they are married, so, their sex is sanctified)

In Uganda, something like this may not get a single day’s headlines. Maybe in the red rug, which by the way is headlining the world’s end in 2012. To say that Mao, Gulu District Chairman has a second or third wife on the side, and also sometimes takes a prostitute to a lodge, well, that is typical male behaviour. The Mayor of Kampala has the religion sanctioned 4, if I am not mistaken. And women? It is said that a man can never be sure that a child is his until his wife dies without repudiating the fact. (Or, these days, one can get a DNA test done to prove or disprove the facts.)

Ok, sex talk and hypocrisy, they seem to go hand in hand. Have to remember that I can only be gay in cyber space, but if you come to me person to person and demand whether I am, I will tell you, without a blink that I AM NOT GAY.

So, I am also a hypocrite. Bite me!

GayUganda

Breaking the Law

Every time I have sex, I break the law. I do not rape anyone. I do not force anyone. The guy I do it with loves me. And I love him. And we do it willingly, and we do love the sex.

Yet we break the law.

Should we agonise about that fact? We Ugandans are all very good at ignoring the law, when we want it. Yet it is funny how much we believe in the government making more and more laws, and enforcing them. For example, Nsaba Buturo's contention was that the law was weak, that it needed to be strengthened.

Making love with my lover, I risk life imprisonment at Luzira. That is a sobering thought. Yet I break that law cheerfully, not thinking about the consequences. But a moralist will say that I need to go to prison for life. To make sure that the morals of the country are not destroyed by my immorality. So, maybe he will suggest that someone sleeps under my bed so that it is known when I break the law, with my lover. Is there any law as stupid as that? Policing what I do in bed with my lover? Heaven help me, but I do not think there is.

Today, I woke up later than usual. Wanted to watch the morning. It was already light by the time I got to the veranda to look out over the valley. Beautiful country that we have. When I woke it was drizzling, a light dusting of rain and water on the morning grass. Not so cold, but bracing. Now the sun is out, and a golden colour has suffused the air. It is clear. I can almost see each ray of the sun to the east. Lancing through the trees of my neighbour's garden.

I love this beautiful garden country. Uganda.

My lover called me back to bed. He wanted sex. Funny, he called me, and I was conflicted. I love the early mornings. And it was particularly beautiful. But he wanted sex. I obliged. And I am happy that I obliged, I mean, I love the guy, and there is nothing like sex in the morning, bracing, invigorating, and the post sex relaxation is beautiful. He is sleeping now. Will laugh when he wakes up, because it will definitely be past ten!

Breaking the law? No, the law was made for man, and not man for the law (as one very wise teacher said). I will break it very gladly, again and again, as often as I can.

GayUganda