An SMS

One or two days ago, woke up a bit late. Alarm had gone off, and I had stayed in bed. Dawn is a bit late, and. Sometimes it is not so much fun getting out of bed, from my lover’s warm hands.

I put on my phone, and immediately, the tones of a message incoming.

I wanted to get out. Day break is a special time. That time when darkness goes away, and light takes over. An awakening of the planet. When the electric bulbs turn from brilliant stars of the night to insignificant nothings. When the quiet of night slips by degrees into the song of birds, and then to the quiet of the morning.

I love that time. My love, poor him, will continue missing me then.

That day, got out before I checked the message on the phone. Inhaled the morning, bathed in its new light, and was content.

Then I remembered the message.

It was from my brother. Elder brother.

“…, what u shared with me is wrong!!! Abominable! It is a deception from satan. P’se bro, free yo self from it! Not God’s plan 4 u! Jesus will help u. Please. …”

My spirits plummeted to zero. I tried, desperately to see more of the morning. It was suddenly dull.

It has remained so for some time. The days.

Why?

Family is important. One sister seems to have accepted me, without reservations. Sending greetings to my lover. Others seem to be happy with the status quo. Maybe. Maybe not.

But I did think that I had an ally that I could lean on.

Yet, I have to be realistic. Of all the others, he was possibly the one most likely to change his mind.

I went to him, his home. Came out to him.

That was Aug. 2007. He came home, met my lover, embraced him. Just a few days later. I thought that I was accepted.

But big bro is a Pentecostal pastor. If there is something that I have come to notice, it’s the fact that the ‘disinformation’ from the other side is considerable.

First he was concerned about my lack of faith. But he couldn’t back away from what I had told him. It must have weighed heavily on him. And, well, he must have sent the message after a long time in prayer. I know him.

So, what is the way forward?

I don’t know. I have been thinking about it for some time. Sent him an email the first day, acknowledging the sms. But continued thinking about it.

Today, I did think that I had the words. He has not rejected me. He is having problems, and I bet that he does love me. And reconciling me with this image of the gay brother, or homosexual brother, well. He is finding it hard.

I sent him a PFLAG link, sometime ago.

I can only hope.

Today, I wrote to him

“Brother,

I don’t know how to win you over.

I am what I am. I cannot be untrue to myself.

Yes, I do not believe. You will allow me to make up my mind on faith?

Yes, I am gay.

I did not make myself. I was made that way.

I cannot, and will not deny myself for that will be a falsehood that I have lived before.

I do not know how to win you over.

I just hope that you can still love me, as I am, faithless, and gay.

but still human, and your brother.”

True, it hurts. Yet, what did he say in the sms? Nothing but a wish for my wellbeing as he saw it.

My expectations were too high. I know I can be hurt, by those I love, in the name of love, because they love me.

I can but talk to him. I will talk to him. Have to. Dunno when. But have to.

GayUganda

Coming out to my Brother

I am planning something momentous. I am going up-country tomorrow to tell my brother that I am homosexual. That I am gay.

Why?

The simple reason is that I have got to the point when I have to shape up to my responsibilities. It is tough news to break but my relatives have to know. At least some need to. And the sooner the better.

Family dynamics. They are particularly sensitive in this case.

A traditional African family we are. My father had children from at least six ladies (that I know of). My brother is my dad’s first borne. I am the second borne.

I am the favoured son. The prospective heir. The prospective head of the family with my dad gone. And Dad is a clan leader. All are issues that I have to consider.

It would not have been a big problem if I was someone different. This is the 'what if' section. What if my brother had been the favoured son? I would not have felt the need to come out to him.

What if I was willing to act on my bisexual instincts and marry a woman? I would have children and would not feel under pressure to reveal the difference in my sexuality.

What if I was less independent and less likely to take my own path? I would be married already, with multiple children to have joy in. And a lady that I would have to cheat on seriously.

But all those are possibilities which could have been in a different universe.

What is, is that I am gay. I am a human being who is lucky enough to know what I am. And I am willing to take this bold stroke.

My brother, he is my elder brother. A half-brother actually. He likes me. We were pals growing up, something which was almost unlikely because I was a favoured son, the favoured son. He is the elder. I know that he loves me.

He is married, with 3 sons. Something which my father has great pride in. The grandsons who are to make the clan bigger.

And my brother is a Pentecostal pastor. A fundamentalist Christian. With a church that he leads up-country.

How will he react?

Almost since I came out to myself, I have tended to draw away from my the rest of my family. It was instinctive. Other things featured. A younger brother knows, and he is not so happy about my orientation. I love my brothers and sisters. I do love my elder brother. But I sincerely do not know how he will react when I tell him that I am gay.

I am known for being 'stubborn'. When I choose a way, I stick to it.

Will he chase me away from his home, his family? Will he listen to me? Will he throw me out?

I have to cover myself. I will extract a pledge from him not to reveal what I am to tell him, before I tell him. I know he would honour it, however he reacts to what I tell him.

But I am going to tell him that I am gay. And that I live a gay life. And that I do have a partner of 7 years, who I love. And that I do love my brother too.

GayUganda