Disclosure; Who shall I tell? Coming Out and Disclosure in Uganda, other Hostile environments (3

 

Disclosure; Who shall I tell? Coming Out and Disclosure in Uganda, other Hostile environments (3)

 

Coming out…, when one admits to themselves that they are kuchu, that they are other than heterosexual, the relief, the sense of wellness and rightness which follows that self revelation is considerable.

I know. I have been there.

It is great. It is ongoing, and it is empowering. Makes one feel like they have missed years and years of their lives. You will feel empowered and euphoric.
And you will find yourself wanting to tell your best friends, your family, significant other people in your family.
It is true. After a while you feel so good about yourself that you simply want to share the good news, to have people be happy with you, to have them dance and clap and jump with joy because you have discovered who you are. You simply want to be happy with them. Yeah, again, I have walked that road…

So, who should you tell?

The answer is, I don’t know.

Our environment is extremely hostile. Ugandans are more hostile to kuchus than most other countries in Africa.(pdf)
Just because we live in Uganda on a day to day basis, we always forget the real life dangers that are possibilities simply because we are kuchu. You cannot forget this, when you are thinking of telling someone that you are kuchu. Doesn’t matter whether it is a close member of family, or the best of best friends. Remember that it might be a shock of shocks to them, and their reactions have to be considered. It is simply not good if you find yourself in prison just because you told a best friend about your happiness on coming out.

Here is a sobering quote from that report

 

“Findings from the most recent Afrobarometer survey show that Ugandan adults of all ages and education levels overwhelmingly continue to express intolerance for same-sex relationships, think they should be illegal, and are willing to report their own family member or close friend to the police if they engage in homosexual activity. Their level of intolerance for sexual difference is the highest among 37 African countries surveyed in 2021/2022.”

 

It is your life. You will know who of your significant friends, family that you can approach.

To scare you further, and indeed, my aim is to scare you into understanding how serious the homophobia in our country, Uganda is. Those who answered questions were asked whether they would report us to police close acquaintances; friends, co-workers, relatives. More than 90% of Ugandans said they would.

 

“more than nine out of 10 respondents (94%-95%) said they would report relatives – including their siblings and children – as well as close friends and co-workers to the police if they discovered that they were in same-sex relationships”

 

So, what use is the good news that you can never share?

And, sober fact of life, coming out becomes better for you when you can share your new life with people around you, who are supportive and knowledgeable. Can one do that in Uganda?

The answer is that yes, we can.
It is possible, but you run considerable risk. You have to asses the risk, your risk, and only you can do that.

We live lives filled with the fear and paranoia of being discovered. Our fears are justified, many times and that is not a good thing. Yet, it is also matter of fact that we somehow negotiate a balance in our lives. As kuchus, in homophobic Uganda. And, it is true that there are people that we can rely on. Some real good friends. Some members of our families. But, please, choose very carefully who you break this precious secret to.

We all have stories…, and these stories can help or hinder other kuchus. The most important thing for you, kuchu, to remember, if you feel that you need to come out and disclose to some of your significant others family and friends, is that they can be hostile. And that hostility can turn deadly.

At the same time, coming out to some, even if they might not like it, might cause them to think over weeks and months, and they might be there for you. Maybe in part, maybe not. It is a real risk, and no one can do the risk assessment for you.

 

gug

Coming out to Yourself

 

Coming out to Yourself: Coming Out and Disclosure in Uganda, other Hostile environments (2)

 

If it is so hostile in Uganda, and most of Africa to be homosexual, (LGBTQ+), kuchu, then why should someone ‘come out’?

For the simplest and most uplifting of reasons. For yourself.

You come out to yourself, because it will do you damn great and wonderful good. This is a step that you must take to acknowledge who and what you are. Otherwise, you keep yourself blind and deaf and real dumb, in this life that you will not have a re-do.

Kuchu. LGBTQ+ individual.
Understand that you literally had no say in who and what you are. Blame it on a Creator God or anything in your spirituality, but understand the basic, you are who you are, and had no say in who you are. Stop hiding from yourself.

You can try to run away from yourself.
Oh, we all have done that. Some of us are still doing that. We are running, and running, and running, as fast as we can, from our selves.
And, it is simply not possible. We are who we are. We take who we are everywhere we go, be it our beds, our houses, our schools; even to our marriages and into the marital beds. We go there, as who and what we are.

You owe yourself that acknowledgment, of who you are. Understanding that the world being who and what it is, you are still who and what you are. Stop running, and acknowledge and know and understand yourself.
You are different. You are kuchu. You are you.
And you deserve to come out to yourself, more than anything on this earth. You need to begin knowing who you are.

No. I am not telling you to tell anyone else.

I am telling you to tell YOU that it is truth. You are kuchu. Believe the evidence of your eyes. Accept who and what you are. It is worth it, and you deserve to acknowledge it. You owe it, to you. You owe yourself a coming out.

You don’t owe that understanding, that ‘coming out’ to anyone else. You owe it to YOU, and you alone. That should be your single most important consideration. Treat yourself well, stop hiding from who YOU are.

There are benefits to admitting to yourself that you are kuchu.

You will stop running on the inside. You will stop hiding from yourself. You will get a boost to your mental health. You will just be… happy. That bit more happy than you are. And that will help you to get over this little step in your life and plan a little bit more realistically, than having to do what others tell you to do, and do other things because you fear being you.
So, yes. Come out, to yourself. Take that step, in your mind. Know, admit, that you are kuchu.

Research has actually shown that there are mental health benefits to coming out. But, that research has been in countries where coming out means telling people around who can support you. That is a very tough thing in most of Africa. Though, again, knowing yourself, stopping the denial will be a boost to you, in your life, even if you don’t tell anyone else.

One of the things that I definitely know happens when we accept who and what we are is that you become more resistant to the charlatans and liars and anti-gay activists who tell us that they can make us straight. Doesn’t matter whether they are in church, or mosque, priest, pastor or Sheikh. They prey on your fear, and will take you through hell and close to suicide before you break and run away from them.
Knowing and understanding and accepting that you are kuchu is one of the single most defences that you will have against them. The Ssempa’s of this world prey upon our insecurities. Coming out to yourself denies them a way into your mind to confuse you.

Of course coming out to yourself is always a boost. We are naturally curious. After bursting that dam in your mind, you will want to know more about who and what you are. There are quite a few resources, online, and not. And of course there are kuchus all around you, some of whom have had the same experiences. Now you might be more ready to engage and listen to them.

‘Coming out’ to yourself is a crucial step. But, it is only a first step, potentially opening up your mind to the wonders and opportunities out there. You will start with baby steps. That is absolutely fine. The pace is yours, the mind is yours, the body is yours.
When you are no longer in ‘denial’ of who and what you are, you are ready to start the healing that only you can source and help happen to you.

 

gug

That Interview!

Recurrent theme in questions to me.

while watching CNN this morning i saw the back story coverage of the rolling stone outing. they interviewed you anonymously but that was a silly move coz anybody who knows you can tell that its you and they did show your lower face.

The CNN interview. It was supposed to be anonymous. Unfortunately, it was not as anonymous as I wanted. No, I was not ready, just yet, for my mug to be associated with this blog..... !

But, (touch wood), done is done. Yes, I have learnt to take life as it is thrown at me. I am gay, a Ugandan, in Uganda. Sometimes, many times I affirm that. It is a reminder to myself that I have gone through the fire, and I am still alive. I have come out kicking, alive to write another word. And, since that is still happening, I will not rail at life's unfairness.

Another thing which I am considering a lot is the fact that I am fairly out. Very out, relative to most Ugandans. That is why I kind of tend to feature in all the 'outings' (seems my celebrity status in Uganda's rugs doesnt wear off). Result of that is the fact that, most of my significant others do know that I am gay. Do know my partner. And, those who have not rejected me, they are still with me.

[These days, seems as if I am more amazed at who knows, rather than who doesn't. Like a colleague at work who discreetly made me to understand that she knew I was gay. Was kind of funny... I was just too surprised to have a more confortable discussion after the revelation!]

But, that underscores the fact that, in my immediate environment, people who matter to me know that I am gay. And, they are not expressing overt hostility. [If they do, I hope I can shrug it off]

Of course, that is no protection from anonymous violence. But, what is?

Yes, it can, and does rile some people. Including, my elder brother, who sent me an e-mail that simply had to be answered. My revelation that I am gay, the fact that I am not shy about it, the fact that I continue to talk about it in forums that are open and not disguising me... Come to think of it, he must have watched the interview and recognised me.

What am I trying to say?

That the interview I did was not anonymous enough. That, even if I am gay in Uganda, and gayuganda, I am trying to rationalise away any possible negative effects, including outing myself and showing major enemies who I am.

I am trying to say that it matters. But, it is a waterfall in the course of the river of life which I had to get to. I hoped to get there later, it has happened sooner.

To the likes of Maazi who I met on another blog and gave me this advice-

Please do not flatter yourself. Enjoy the limelight while it lasts. It is good you are playing fiddle to your western fans. In the future, you will certainly need their help to relocate overseas when the sodomy laws are strengthened to take care of gay militancy.

Be assured that, my life is on the line, I know it, and am angry enough to put it on line. You may think that chasing me out of my country is your solution. Or, you may cheer on the mobs with the hangman's noose.

Well, I am saying, it is worth my life. Being what I am. It is worth it. I take enough pride in being who I am, and what I am, not to be shut up.

I am gay. I am a Ugandan. I am an African. And, you will not change any of those, my identities.

Enough said.

gug

An SMS

One or two days ago, woke up a bit late. Alarm had gone off, and I had stayed in bed. Dawn is a bit late, and. Sometimes it is not so much fun getting out of bed, from my lover’s warm hands.

I put on my phone, and immediately, the tones of a message incoming.

I wanted to get out. Day break is a special time. That time when darkness goes away, and light takes over. An awakening of the planet. When the electric bulbs turn from brilliant stars of the night to insignificant nothings. When the quiet of night slips by degrees into the song of birds, and then to the quiet of the morning.

I love that time. My love, poor him, will continue missing me then.

That day, got out before I checked the message on the phone. Inhaled the morning, bathed in its new light, and was content.

Then I remembered the message.

It was from my brother. Elder brother.

“…, what u shared with me is wrong!!! Abominable! It is a deception from satan. P’se bro, free yo self from it! Not God’s plan 4 u! Jesus will help u. Please. …”

My spirits plummeted to zero. I tried, desperately to see more of the morning. It was suddenly dull.

It has remained so for some time. The days.

Why?

Family is important. One sister seems to have accepted me, without reservations. Sending greetings to my lover. Others seem to be happy with the status quo. Maybe. Maybe not.

But I did think that I had an ally that I could lean on.

Yet, I have to be realistic. Of all the others, he was possibly the one most likely to change his mind.

I went to him, his home. Came out to him.

That was Aug. 2007. He came home, met my lover, embraced him. Just a few days later. I thought that I was accepted.

But big bro is a Pentecostal pastor. If there is something that I have come to notice, it’s the fact that the ‘disinformation’ from the other side is considerable.

First he was concerned about my lack of faith. But he couldn’t back away from what I had told him. It must have weighed heavily on him. And, well, he must have sent the message after a long time in prayer. I know him.

So, what is the way forward?

I don’t know. I have been thinking about it for some time. Sent him an email the first day, acknowledging the sms. But continued thinking about it.

Today, I did think that I had the words. He has not rejected me. He is having problems, and I bet that he does love me. And reconciling me with this image of the gay brother, or homosexual brother, well. He is finding it hard.

I sent him a PFLAG link, sometime ago.

I can only hope.

Today, I wrote to him

“Brother,

I don’t know how to win you over.

I am what I am. I cannot be untrue to myself.

Yes, I do not believe. You will allow me to make up my mind on faith?

Yes, I am gay.

I did not make myself. I was made that way.

I cannot, and will not deny myself for that will be a falsehood that I have lived before.

I do not know how to win you over.

I just hope that you can still love me, as I am, faithless, and gay.

but still human, and your brother.”

True, it hurts. Yet, what did he say in the sms? Nothing but a wish for my wellbeing as he saw it.

My expectations were too high. I know I can be hurt, by those I love, in the name of love, because they love me.

I can but talk to him. I will talk to him. Have to. Dunno when. But have to.

GayUganda

Living with Danger

Yesterday, I read about the conviction of some guys in Cameroon because they were gay.

To tell the truth, I was not much affected. Like knowing another death has occurred from malaria. Its no longer news to me.

Yet something made me reassess my thoughts.

A friend, recently came out to himself. Joined the kuchu community consciously.

There is little joy like the sense of freedom one gets on coming out. When the closet door is open. Freedom to be oneself. Freedom not to fear what one is. Freedom to be oneself, after years of unconscious hiding and fear.

This guy was truly happy. He made me remember what it was like to come out.

When I sent him the article about the guys in Cameroon, it was a reality check to him. Yes, he was free. Felt free. But that freedom is a mirage.

It also caused me to think, again, about this life that I live. I am gay. A human being who is gay. I am reconciled to what I am, indeed, I am happy because I have accepted myself.

Yet there are people who would harm me because of what I am.

There is the 21 year old guy who was hanged in Iran because of possible sex when he was 13 years of age. There are the guys in Morocco who have been convicted of being homosexuals. There are the guys in Bauchi, Nigeria, who were arrested for ‘attending a homosexual wedding’ and the case is before the Sharia Courts. And of course there is Cameroon. All these happened in the last 6 months or so.

Yet I am so used to live with this threat to my life and liberty that it does not seem to impress me. I get this feeling that it happens to someone else. Not me. Not mine. Not in Uganda.

Thinking about this, I woke up in a cold sweat this night. Why?

Suppose Janet Museveni, or Martin Ssempa, or Nsaba Buturo, or someone like them became president of the Republic of Uganda. It is a possibility. They are all politically active, interested, members of the ruling party. It is not far fetched to think of someone like them becoming president. And to them, cleansing Uganda of people like me, homosexuals, gays, is worth the bad press the country would get.

Yes, I can be arrested. So would my lover. This veil of anonymity is thinner by the day.

To many, my admission that I am gay, a homosexual is an admission of guilt. I deserve prison, because I am gay. To them that guilt is proven. The activism is something to add onto that. Not only am I homosexual, I am an unrepentant homosexual activist.

So?

Yeah, a big so.

This journey has been a long one. Each step by apparently logical step has been a product of years of life. I cannot be less than what I am. I am not more than what I am. I, simply, am what I am. The love that I share with my lover, I would not share with someone else. The happiness that I have, the peace being myself.

Yet, I cannot forget that there are people who do think prison, punishment and death are my rewards for being me. A sobering thought this early morning.

Yet it is necessary to remember.

I have walked the edge of danger so long that sometimes I forget that it is a balancing act.

GayUganda

Sunday Evening

I think I owe you an update. Now that I can give it.

About a couple of weeks ago, I told you of an interview that I had with a reporter. And the fact that I was very apprehensive. I said then that I had rolled the dice, and did not have any control on how they landed.

Well, the interview was aired. On WBS-TV Sunday evening.

My debut on national television. Guess what, I was not anywhere near a television set!

It is hilarious. I was informed that the program was on the air, when I was on my way to a ‘joint’, a bar. We had left home when there was a power cut (they are becoming really common these days. Uncommonly common!), so we could not return. We continued to the bar.

Now, Sunday evening was special. Kampala, Uganda holds its collective breath when there is a major Premier League match being played. Forgive me, not the Ugandan Premier League- the English Premier League. What with the advent of satellite TV, and the fact that our local league had gained a terrible reputation, those who love the beautiful game (all Ugandans apparently) are usually tuned in.

I was informed that my debut on TV was imminent. I was impatient. How telegenic am I? That is a question any normal human being wants to know. Beamed miraculously into the homes of many Ugandans. I would have loved to see how suave I was. How collected and impressive!

Sadly, it was not to be. Most people on the streets were glued on the premiership match. Arsenal against Liverpool. Crowds in the bars where televisions sets were turned to the street to attract clientele. They stood on the sidewalks, and looked into the bars. I am not sure whether they bought anything. It was a tense match.

I don’t know when Liverpool scored the first goal. I know it was in the first half. Walking the street to my bar, there was this air of gloom. Little conversation, the tvs blaring, radio commentaries. The gloom of the evening was not in the low light. It was the atmosphere generated by so many people ‘feeling’ for Arsenal. I didn’t know that plucky club had such a following!

That was a detour.

About my telegenic self. I knew it was a risk to appear on tv. Too many uncontrolled variables. But I figured that it was worth it. Now with Pastor Ssempa arguing that we gay Ugandans were using HIV as entrée to gain acceptance. Of course we are. It is our lives on line. If we don’t wake up to the fact that we are dying slowly but surely, we will die. We must destroy those myths.

I know I have outed myself. One more time, that is, if you watched the WBS programme. If you didn’t, well, I don’t know how much you missed. I did not also!

When I got to the bar that I wanted to use, I found that there were two competing programmes. There was Arsenal vs Liverpool, the second half, and of course Maureen being ‘evicted’ from the Big Brother Africa 2 house. When I demanded that the channel be changed to see my self, I was woefully booed down. You know football fans. Anything about changing the channel at that moment is a capital crime offence. The punishment swiftly meted out.

I was in the bar when Arsenal equalised. The roar was deafening.

Thereafter, it was the match’s post-mortem. A verbal dissection of every move and counter move. Needless to say, my pleas for silence were not heard. Who wanted to hear about the risks of gay men and HIV?

I know I said my piece. And Ssempa said his piece, and the Uganda AIDS Commission said theirs. Yeah, you may have recognised me, or not, but then, that is a small price that I will pay. A progressively controlled outing to the whole of my Ugandan country mates.

To those who know my identity, please don’t use it as yet on this blog!!!! Let me retain that last bit of my anonymity!

GayUganda

PS. For the next week or so I may not post that regularly. Something has cropped up which needs my attention for the near future.

No, it is not the police at the door. The beauty of media is that once the broadcast is done, then one has to use legal means to check the discussion. Of course I am vulnerable in other ways, but those risks are bearable.

gug

Stepping out of the Closet

This morning I (almost) did something that was almost too silly to believe.

I was talking to a journalist, about gay things. Anonymously, of course. Not in my great gay persona. I suddenly felt like coming clean, telling the journalist, you know, I am gay too. Kuchu.

I did not.

Simply because it is a reflex not to do so. And to tell a person that I am gay is like revealing the deepest, darkest secret that I can ever hold. When I used to play the field, I used to wonder about the fact that I would sleep with guys, and we would know only the fact that we were both kuchu. We would have sex (different from making love!) and separate the next day. Yet these guys could have got me into prison for life, had they so minded. Chilling thought. But it did not stop me from looking for companionship. I looked for, and got lovers. Some for a day or night, others for much longer.

Now it is years since I have been living with my guy. He knows (and of course I know) that he is gay, and well, we break the law as frequently as we can, time and circumstances allowing. Yet we trust one another. He would not sell me to the police. I would not do that too. Its like the novelty of the ‘secret’ has worn off. It is not news.

Worse, I am so used to being me, that I am becoming complacent.

I can talk with friends in the abstract about gays in Uganda, but not a revelation that I am one of the hated gay men. We can laugh about being gay in Uganda, the different things that have been uttered in the last few months. Yet to come out and say that I am gay would be a disaster. The person would talk; maybe not immediately. And I am sure that the likes of Ssempa and Nsaba Buturo would seek to hurt me in some way. Maybe to lose my job completely. Maybe to out me to other people who would be able to harm me. Mubajje would not be talking in the abstract about exiling gay people. He would be able to point to someone, that he should be on a prison island in the lake.

Paranoia. Here I can talk about being gay with only the fear that my anonymity may be pierced one of these days. But I am free. To give and take abuse. I can desist, or give it out. In the flesh, I am sure that Blake would seek to injure me, physically. His vitriol is too acid. His hate too directed.

Anyway, that clock of anonymity, I did not take it off when talking to the journalist. Yet I have done, and will continue to do many things which risk outing me and my lover. For people to know, beyond my immediate family, that I am gay. A homosexual that is proud of being so. I just hope I do not come across Blake then. Or Mubajje the Mufti or others. But this is life. I cannot predict what will happen.

So, I step out again. My secret is intact, from the general public, for now. (I vigorously deny that the Red rug outed me. It wasn’t me!!! If you have any proof, damn you and the red rug together!).

Yet enough of the people around know about me for me to live in a peculiar sense of a closet. I am in, yet I am out. And I will continue being out and in at the same time. Queer thought. Pun intended.

GayUganda

The In-laws; Introduction

I want to share a bit more about my, er, our extended family. Our respective in-laws. Guess I will explain as we go along the reason.

Ok, I am a gay man. An African, and Ugandan. Got that?

I have lived with another man, a gay man, an African too. Hope you got that too.

Now, because we are both Africans, we do not come alone to each other. We have our extended families to consider. My lover’s is big, extensive. He is the eldest boy, heir presumptive to his dad. He has the requisite responsibilities of the elder son. Look after the family issues, mediate parents’ quarrels, judge between the siblings, present a tough official family face to his bako (sisters’ husbands), and of course, when there are problems in the marriages of his sisters (younger and older) he is the one to talk to the in-laws and show his and the family displeasure at the men’s heavy handedness. In the literal sense, you know.

Then there is me. I must admit I am a bit of a disconnect. A long journey it has been, but still, I am. My family is more ‘urbanite’. Yes, I am the son, till a short while ago, heir presumptive to my dad. (don’t think it is still in the works, not until a heir I present, my son, understood?).

Most of my brothers are married, with children. Kind of decreases my worth as a heir-less heir! My sisters too. And they are all pretty independent. Less work for me, protecting them from heavy handed husbands. Less likely to mediate in marital conflicts.

Oh, we are different tribes, me and my mate. Differences in assumed duties for the male of the family. Small, but they are there.

Anyway, after years of living together, we decided to adopt our extended families into our own family. Translation, we know that they are our parents, instead of just one guy’s parents. Our unit is very odd, irregular to say the least. But I do have a mum and a dad living, meaning that my lover has a mother in law, and a father in law. And also sisters, and brothers, and cousins, etc.

Still together?

I have been ‘outed’ very openly in the last few months. So, I discovered that many in my family knew about what has been happening with me. That is, they knew about my relationship with another, err, man!

I don’t know how they reacted when they found out. I know my elder brother was ok with it. He carries more weight with me than most of the others. He is a pastor, but we are good together. And he welcomed my lover into the family, with words and actions which warmed my heart.

I have also noticed that my ‘full’ brother and one of my ‘full’ sisters have acted, a bit cold over the last few years? They are born again, Pentecostals, so maybe I am the one who is suspicious. I have not yet got the guts to talk to them, face to face. Gosh, it takes more guts than I do have at the moment. The others, ‘half’-sibs, (a distinction lost to me, but pretty important to my lover), they have not shown much running away from me. At least I have not noticed it.

For my lover, he was out to his mother. He told her years ago. At first I thought it was because they are very close. Later, I discovered that it was a chance meeting with a cousin of his (also gay!) in a 'gay' bar which made him rush off to tell his mom. He did not want her surprised by ‘rumours’. He thought she would be devastated if it was someone else who told her that her beloved son was gay. So he did. And he also told her about me.

She has accepted us.

So has my dad, who is a surprise that I am still appreciating. We are still to talk; shows how much a coward I am.

Anyway, that is my, our extended family, in reasonable detail, uh?

Now the reason, the bomb.

My mother-in-law is coming to stay for a week or so.

GayUganda

Bloggers Happy Hour

27th has invited me to the Ugandan bloggers’ happy hour. Its today.
Frankly, I am apprehensive. If I go, I have the option of not saying I am gay. So, I just go and gawk at all these nerds. They don’t know me, and I don’t know them. But they know that I may be there. Well, I am nervous.

27th has offered to leave his gun home. He is the only revolutionary, so the others don’t carry guns. But what if Manuel comes, and sees me in the flesh? Wonder what he will do? Dare I out myself like that?
I mean, I am out, but only to those who know me, and while none has offered to help me to heaven, others have offered quite a bit of disdain.

Decision time.

I have been thinking a lot of this, and of course I started thinking of what the other guys and girls are thinking about me being at their happy hour. Only natural that a poem slid into my fingers-



Gay man's coming to dinner !

a homo's coming to dinner,
to converse and talk, laugh and share;
what d' y' all expect?

a devil dressed in black;
the antlered horns for now hidden,
a deadly dark face shaded,
by blacker than black robes;
hanging menacing to the floor.

Now and then we'll note,
the flick of a tail,
armoured with a sting,
as the tail robes adjust
before our horrified eyes.

expect not,
a human being, a normal man;
(or woman is it?)
eats the same, speaks the same,
same dark skin, flash of white teeth;
nervous laughter constraining.

expect-
a human being normal,
same human laughter, similar salty tears;
red blood in dark skin pulsing,
similar to us all:

a gay man's to dinner coming!

( (c) GayUganda 26/09/07)

What do you think? I am also nervous to say the least. Should I ask 27th to come with the gun, to protect me?

Coming (NOT) out

Yesterday I was at work. One of my colleagues dared to hint that she had noted me in a newspaper, that she could not believe it. I asked, very curious, what could she not believe?

Her courage vaporated. She told me she would tell me later. There were 2 other people within hearing. They all looked away. Definately knew what she was talking about.

I shrugged to myself. They know. I know they know. And I think they know I know. But how to broach the subject. They have known me for years. And this is when they first suspect? Some, maybe.

I remembered when I first came out to a friend of mine. He was at one time my best friend. Time and circumstances have drifted us apart, but we are still friends. It was hard to tell him. But I did, and he, bless him, he did not reject me.

From those thoughts this poem sprung.

Coming (NOT) out

Friend,
Colleague,
Brother, lover;
I can’t help but lie to you,
fearing what you’ll do when you know,
the whole of me, the real me.

I cannot help but tell you a lie,
day to day, night by night
When we rise up and talk,
toil at pen and hoe.

I cannot help but live duplicity,
that to the bone cuts, tears me apart;
for I fear, dear friend, I fear my love.
You to know this tiny is secret
Part of my life, not all of my life, but yet of me.

That gay I am.
I whisper, I quake, I fear your wrath,-
that years of friendship down the drain will go,
As despair your eyes glazes;
Disgust clouds your eyes,
As you see me as I am not,
Because I am gay.

Begotten I was, made too true,
This, no, it ain’t no quirk,
Just is me, as is, I am.
Not sinner, NO, I pray!
Condemn me not, I beg of you.

Friend, I fear;
You I love, your rejection I dread.
so live will I, a lifetime lie,
to see you a friend, and me as false,
to know you a friend, me a lie.
As I live gay, your friend, colleague,
Brother, sister, and lover all

© GayUganda 13/09/07

Daddy knows!

I feel stupid, a fool! I mean, I have been agonising about telling him about my homosexuality. And when I decided that I would tell the family, I determined, everyone but him!!!

And he shows me he knows in the most touching of ways. He is a man of the world, is my old man. He has seen me live within a stone’s throw of his house all this time, with my lover. And somehow, he figured it out, or was told.

So, when the fracas about homosexuals in Kampala engulfed the city, it was hot on the airwaves. And Nsaba Buturo has been breathing fire, and Sempa the brimstone. So the parent picked up his courage to come tell his son that the police are looking for us!!!!!

I have been blind. Very blind, yet it has always been my hope that they have been reading my hints everywhere. They did, and acted like they had not. Only Mom to tell, if she doesn’t know!

GayUganda

They Know!

Wow

Here I was, all ready to start telling my family that I am gay, and surprise, surprise. Turns out that they have known! I feel embarrassed. I thought they were blind; turns out I am the one who is blind! What a lesson in life!

But it means that some things which have not been happening now have to happen. Reckonings to pay. Now, I am relieved. I do not have to tell people about me, after all they know. I just have to ask them what they are going to do about it. Now that I know that they know! Twisted logic. The knowledge of my ‘blindness’ or supposed blindness has been a mist that I weaved myself. Otherwise, it was already on the cards. My brothers and sisters knew. Fact is that they have been discussing it. Wow! I feel cheated. I am going to hold a few accountable for that!

Now, big things. Does my dad know? He is enough a man of the world to know. And he may as well know. Does my mum know? She actually might. I have to trace this knowledge which has apparently spread while I was too blind! I think Mom may know!!!!!!!!

One sister has kindly suggested that I go hide somewhere. I have told her that once upon a time I would have done exactly that. But now, I don’t think I am so evil that I should reinforce their rejection of me. Matter of fact, I don’t think I am evil. And then comes to my aid the stubborn characteristic I am said to have. I know I am not bad. That knowledge is going to be put severely to test, because some pretty insistent people are going to tell me how bad I am! Quarrels within the family where we will agree to disagree. But I am not rejecting my birthright. I am what I am. If they had not known, as I am sure they could not have known for many of the years that I was not so open they would not have challenged me on that. Now that they know, my gay pride will come to the fore. To stand my ground and claim my right as a human being and a member of the human family! No half measures about that.

But it promises to be a battle to consider. Though I have to be cautious not to consider everyone any enemy before they so declare. After all, they have not rejected me overtly, even when they knew!

Wow, again. How this changes everything! I just don’t know what to think, less what to do!

GayUganda

Out without being Out

I am out, without being out. I outed myself, yet, I am not out. Just the daily hypocrisy that our world is.

I have lived for years knowing that I was gay. It took me some time to accept that fact which was daily staring me in the face. Then it took me time to go on the search for others like me. I fell in love and have lived with another man, in full view of society for more than five years. I once wrote an article and had it published in the New Vision in my names, and nobody noted anything strange about that. I was outed once in a rag of a paper some years ago. It seems like wilful blindness.

I was at the press conference. I was noted as having been there. Matter of fact I was so tied to what happened that it is incredible that someone outside Uganda did out me. But those inside the country still doubt!

Maybe it is necessary for me to climb the minaret of the New Mosque on Old Kampala and out myself. To gain the satisfaction of people not doubting my homosexuality!

Joke. I would not do it. I don’t think people have a right knowing that I am gay. That is my business, which (somehow is the business of society, and my community and the government). It is my business with my lover. And I do dread having to come out.

Yet it is funny. There is a real sense of freedom in being able to live the double life in the open. I mean, so many people now suspect that I feel a relief that those who suspect dare not ask, and those who do not suspect are too blind.

Nsaba-Buturo commented that they know us. That he was miffed because the police did not arrest us. Well, we are.

I have thrown out too many signals. They will catch on. But it is a fact that society in Uganda is blind, blind, blind. Great that we can use that blindness. I am like a person with multiple personalities. All are out in the open, yet some never realise what is and what is not.

May they leave us in Peace!

GayUganda

How it feels; Coming Out

Well, so this is how it feels being under pressure of outing? A funny feeling in my stomach. The head seems to be overly active. I am finding it a problem to convince myself to get out of the house. I am wondering who has heard it now. Or when the ones I see will hear of it. And I am kind of impatient. Why is it that my mind is so consumed by my possible outing but everyone else seems not to have an idea of what is going on with me? I mean, the whole world should be a storm now, if I go by what is happening in my mind!

Its good that the world is not like that.

The religious leaders were shocked at the press conference. One of the Moslem ones decreed we (kuchus) should be killed. That the Quaran says so. And the Christian ones weighed in with their own condemnation of the abomination of homosexuality. Only the Pentecostals missed an easy quote. But maybe the quote from Pastor Ssempa was unprintable! And the good Minister for Ethics and Integrity, the homophobe Nsaba-Buturo wondered how come this was allowed to happen. I have a feeling that it caught them flat footed. They just did not think that gay Ugandans would be coming out at this moment in time. I think the ethics minister would have wanted the police to stop the press conference. Come to think of it, it took place about a km from the Central Police Station in Kampala! He is supposed to meet the Minister of Internal Affairs (in charge of police) for urgent consultations.

The Inspector General of Police was more cautious.

And on the personal front, a sister wanted to know whether that was me in the papers. Guess the process of coming out is going apace. In the nervous mood that I am in, when my dad gave me the cold shoulder yesterday I thought it was because of the news that was consuming my consciousness! Later I settled down. It was a different matter. Of course he will get to know, sooner or later. But don’t I hope it is much, much later!!!!!!

Why don’t they leave us in peace?

GayUganda

Coming out to my Brother

I am planning something momentous. I am going up-country tomorrow to tell my brother that I am homosexual. That I am gay.

Why?

The simple reason is that I have got to the point when I have to shape up to my responsibilities. It is tough news to break but my relatives have to know. At least some need to. And the sooner the better.

Family dynamics. They are particularly sensitive in this case.

A traditional African family we are. My father had children from at least six ladies (that I know of). My brother is my dad’s first borne. I am the second borne.

I am the favoured son. The prospective heir. The prospective head of the family with my dad gone. And Dad is a clan leader. All are issues that I have to consider.

It would not have been a big problem if I was someone different. This is the 'what if' section. What if my brother had been the favoured son? I would not have felt the need to come out to him.

What if I was willing to act on my bisexual instincts and marry a woman? I would have children and would not feel under pressure to reveal the difference in my sexuality.

What if I was less independent and less likely to take my own path? I would be married already, with multiple children to have joy in. And a lady that I would have to cheat on seriously.

But all those are possibilities which could have been in a different universe.

What is, is that I am gay. I am a human being who is lucky enough to know what I am. And I am willing to take this bold stroke.

My brother, he is my elder brother. A half-brother actually. He likes me. We were pals growing up, something which was almost unlikely because I was a favoured son, the favoured son. He is the elder. I know that he loves me.

He is married, with 3 sons. Something which my father has great pride in. The grandsons who are to make the clan bigger.

And my brother is a Pentecostal pastor. A fundamentalist Christian. With a church that he leads up-country.

How will he react?

Almost since I came out to myself, I have tended to draw away from my the rest of my family. It was instinctive. Other things featured. A younger brother knows, and he is not so happy about my orientation. I love my brothers and sisters. I do love my elder brother. But I sincerely do not know how he will react when I tell him that I am gay.

I am known for being 'stubborn'. When I choose a way, I stick to it.

Will he chase me away from his home, his family? Will he listen to me? Will he throw me out?

I have to cover myself. I will extract a pledge from him not to reveal what I am to tell him, before I tell him. I know he would honour it, however he reacts to what I tell him.

But I am going to tell him that I am gay. And that I live a gay life. And that I do have a partner of 7 years, who I love. And that I do love my brother too.

GayUganda