Here I was, all ready to start telling my family that I am gay, and surprise, surprise. Turns out that they have known! I feel embarrassed. I thought they were blind; turns out I am the one who is blind! What a lesson in life!
But it means that some things which have not been happening now have to happen. Reckonings to pay. Now, I am relieved. I do not have to tell people about me, after all they know. I just have to ask them what they are going to do about it. Now that I know that they know! Twisted logic. The knowledge of my ‘blindness’ or supposed blindness has been a mist that I weaved myself. Otherwise, it was already on the cards. My brothers and sisters knew. Fact is that they have been discussing it. Wow! I feel cheated. I am going to hold a few accountable for that!
Now, big things. Does my dad know? He is enough a man of the world to know. And he may as well know. Does my mum know? She actually might. I have to trace this knowledge which has apparently spread while I was too blind! I think Mom may know!!!!!!!!
One sister has kindly suggested that I go hide somewhere. I have told her that once upon a time I would have done exactly that. But now, I don’t think I am so evil that I should reinforce their rejection of me. Matter of fact, I don’t think I am evil. And then comes to my aid the stubborn characteristic I am said to have. I know I am not bad. That knowledge is going to be put severely to test, because some pretty insistent people are going to tell me how bad I am! Quarrels within the family where we will agree to disagree. But I am not rejecting my birthright. I am what I am. If they had not known, as I am sure they could not have known for many of the years that I was not so open they would not have challenged me on that. Now that they know, my gay pride will come to the fore. To stand my ground and claim my right as a human being and a member of the human family! No half measures about that.
But it promises to be a battle to consider. Though I have to be cautious not to consider everyone any enemy before they so declare. After all, they have not rejected me overtly, even when they knew!
Wow, again. How this changes everything! I just don’t know what to think, less what to do!