Morning seems to be a little strange. I got out of bed a little late. Had reset the alarm- daybreak is a little later, but as beautiful as ever.
Got out with the sun crowning the horizon, and a brilliant golden glow of morning all around. Seemed to promise a day of sunshine. But that has changed suddenly. The sun is behind clouds, and it is cooler than it was, apparently.
Looking out over the valley that is home, I listened to the bird chorus. And children going to school. Struck by the fact that I am not perfect, and so is no one, however much we are conditioned to expect it, the world seems not to move in a perfect cycle. Yet there is still enough beautiful about it to make it worth the while living.
I mentioned a kid who was shot to death by a classmate. In
Anyway, this was a 15 year old boy, shot to death by a 14 year old classmate, in class. What a scene. Happened that the 15 year old was gay, and out about it. He acted gay. Maybe he did have a crush on the 14 year old, and made the mistake of telling him. And lost his life.
Reminded me of my teens. Years, and years, and ages ago.
Cannot say that I was a late developer, but I was definitely not very social. Gay identifying at 15? That would have been a real luxury. I was in the depth of denial at that time. The hormones had kicked in, but they had shown me something that I did not want to see. Girls were simply unattractive. Ugly, in fact. No pull.
So as others guys went into full overdrive, hormone driven course, I ducked into myself. Did not understand what was happening to me. Easy, I had no reference points. I was in an environment where the ‘sex is bad’ idea was a ‘universal truth’. I embraced it, and ran away from my subconscious thoughts. I did run hard. To religion, though it seems the hormones did not seem to follow the logic of the brain. Pesky hormones.
I learnt to hide, and I learnt to hide very, very well. Fact is, if one of my classmates at that time is told that I am gay, the incredulity is palpable.
Why hide? Learning that I am gay, admitting it to myself, in an environment which exhuded homophobia with every breath, every pulse of life, it was an impossible thought. Imagine, in one of those conversations, group of guys, rhapsodising about the attributes of such and such a girl, and me thinking, but this dude does look good. Easier to run away from it, get the reputation of being ‘saved’ and thus piously not indulging in such conversation.
The 15 year old, lucky that he was in another country? Yes and no.
I do believe that if I had acted upon my instincts at that age, with my classmates, I may have risked something as violent as death. But even more, I feared the rumours, the ‘reputation’.
Age has just taught me the wisdom of my choices. In a way.
I have read of places where it is acceptable and safe to be gay. Even to be gay questioning, but in this world of ours, it seems as if they are few and far between. I would have imagined that in the
It has been a long journey, and it is still ongoing. At least it is not as violently oppressive in
So, what will happen to the 14 year old boy who was humiliated by a ‘homosexual’ advance? Prison for killing another child. A life violently derailed as much as it extinguished another one with the pull of a trigger.
Still overcast, the skies. And the sun is hidden. But I am sure it will shine through it all. It will be a bright day, and I am still alive. And yes, I have been blessed with love, and acknowledging it, even if the circumstances are not perfect.