The Big Day

Oh, it will come, I assure you, deT, it will come.

But first of all, there are all the small things to go through. The big day is the day that he takes you away. Am not a Christian, and I am not going to insist on that, Sis. That will be up to you.

After he has discussed, and we have agreed on the bride price, and how he is to pay it (installments, for some tribes, past the birth of the first babies...)

The big day. We invite the whole village. And the family. And the extended family.

We start early, (East African Standard Time; 2 hours after the stated time), and of course they will do us the honour of coming 3 hours afterwards. That is the definition of ‘fashionably late.’

When the whole village is gathered, and the ‘Bako’ arrived, and I have put on my traditional clothes to welcome them, (I am resplendent in leopard skins and ostrich feathers. I know, many girls have told me. Sigh!), then, and only then will the ‘Introduction’ ceremony start.

I will not bore you with the details- they are intricate, and vary with tribe and place.

We will be told everything about his family. His great and grandparentage. And we shall be informed that he has come for something special from our home.

After a lot of haggling, (mock haggling), since everything is pre-arranged, we shall at last come to you identifying him in the middle of all his brothers and sisters.

Now, some tribes in the east are reputed to follow a certain custom.

You are supposed to identify him, and then run off.

He will chase you, and not catch you until you are far into the banana plantations. Then he will wrestle you to the ground (You have to struggle and soak him a few in the gut. No sister of mine is going to appear easy!)

And then he will have his way with you, and you will come back as his wife. "Rape of the Willing" we call it. Or we will have some other such custom. But the end result is that he goes with you.

I have to warn you sister, me, I have no sympathy with the new fangled Christian tradition things. If you want, you will go to church, and invite me or your dad to give you away. If you don’t want, that is up to you. It doesn’t matter to me.

But it is important to some people. Like little sis, Princess here. And some of my aunties. So, we shall have to choose a Ssenga for you who will not mind the traditional way. Some of them will insist on that. Imagine, one of them once insisted on not having the beer at a wedding– just because she was a Christian!

Now sis, I know all this has been a bit of a shock, and revelation to you, of course. But don’t worry. Now that you have told me, everything will be done, officially. And we will not have to beat him up, for thinking our family is nothing…

So, what do you say, sister?

GayUganda

Now that I know.

I am the ‘Muko’, and you have informed me, deT. Officially.

So, we have to start thinking about what is supposed to happen. And there are lots of things to prepare for.

For example, we have to choose a ‘Senga’ for you. One of my father’s sisters, of course. But she gets a very special role. Go between for my family, and his family. She is the one who arranges things.

Since I know, everything will be easy.

First, I will inform daddy. My duty. And then, of course, mummy. Not so important, but she must know. (Sorry for the political incorrectness. I am an African male. [glare]) The Ssenga is very important. She will teach you about all the correct and expected behaviour, that my dear Muko will expect.

For example, you don’t look him in the eye, he is a man. You look demurely to the side. Make sure that the water in the bathroom is hot enough before you tell him that it is ready. I have a suspicion that he is a Muganda. Now, that is the most difficult tribe. He will expect you to be his slave in the home, in all but name. But that is your duty as his woman.

By the way, you didn’t tell me, are you the first wife?

[You are startled. I realize that you don’t know]

Sigh. The duties of the elder brother! I will have to find out. Of course I am going to. Find out how many children he has, whether he is willing to make you the official wife. You have to be. And I have to know. Part of the negotiations.

When we get to the bride price, that is a big, big thing.

Forgive me sister, you are white, priceless. A mzungu. Oh, what glory you are going to bring to the family! If he is a Muganda, he will not give me cows. But if he is from the west, I will value you about 30 heads of cattle. Minimum.

Don’t frown, DeT, you have no say in all these things. What you have to do at the moment is to learn all the good behaviour expected by a Rev of you. You must not shame the family. That is what the Ssenga is supposed to do. Marital counseling. Not martial counselling. [Of course he will beat you sometimes, but that is besides the point]

I don’t think we have the Kama Sutra in our tradition, but your Ssenga is supposed to teach you everything.

(Err, DeT, don’t shame me by trying to kiss her. That will certainly distract her)

You are lucky. We are a modern, ‘educated’ family. She will not insist on spending the Night of the Nuptials underneath the bed to give you instructions in pleasuring the man of the house. That is her right. To see that it happens, and of course to bring evidence of your virginity out of the room triumphantly the next day.

So, Sister DeT, you are quiet, are you taking that in? He is a cute guy, I know, but you must not shame the family. That is the most important thing.

GayUganda

Preliminaries

They were asking where I was. They were debating, why should I tell that what I was doing? But I accepted to be deT’s big brother. I have to tell.

I was sulking. A very big sulk. But now I have forgiven all of you, and decided to teach you the customs. So, let us all pretend that we are sitting by the fireside. And I am big brother, and Princess is the little sis who is too young to teach slightly bigger sister DeT all the intricacies of our customs.

So, we are together, and the fire is dancing. We have eaten the evening meal. And, since I have decided to teach something, I will tend the fire. Small sister has to listen, because this is not my job, I am not a girl, and (I suppose) she should have known all these things. I don’t know how, but I suspect Mama should have taught you, little sis, these things. In the conversations since your breasts started budding.

DeT grew up in ‘foreign’ countries. She is forgiven her ignorance.

So, sister DeT, I have found out that something is going on behind my back, and I did not want to embarrass you. I asked little sis to teach you, but she did not. [Deserves a big slap. Glare. How can you force me to teach her!]

So, sister DeT.

First some disclaimers.

We have many different tribes in Uganda. So, our customs differ, a lot. I will try to make this as simple as possible, but it may stretch into 3 posts. So, prepare to do a lot of listening. And listen you must [sternly]

I am gay, something you know. I also grew up in Kampala. But my father came from deep in the countryside. So, I proudly claim that I am of a certain tribe. Which I am not going to reveal. And, sister, you are an honorary member of the tribe. So, you will follow our customs [Glare].

The slight problem is that I do not know these things as I should. And, the girls know them better than I do, and, I have not had the chance to make an ‘introduction’

But that is jumping the gun.

Li’l sis DeT, I don’t know 27^th. Not at all.

Yes, I know the slight guy with dreadlocks who keeps blogging about his Communist ideals. He is nothing to me. Maybe a friend [sniff], or acquittance. We may share a beer once in a while, or a cigarette, if I smoke and he does, but I don’t know anything about him relative to my family, of which you are a member.

So, I don’t know about what is happening between you two. I don’t. I swear, and that I will swear on the most sacred of all places. The graves of certain people.

So, if you meet and like him. That is your deal. If you like the way he smiles, that is up to you. I will not interfere. I will look away. I will not see anything until you tell me. That is your privilege, but beware!

If I am from a certain tribe in Uganda, you have to be very careful about shacking up with 27^th. Suddenly, I may become aware. And violent.

If you are together, and living at his place for a time and you have not told me, I will get my brothers together. (Six). I will come when you are both at home. We shall beat him up, with you looking on, and carry you off home.

But don’t worry. We are modern. We shall leave you together for about a year before we decide to teach him a lesson. [glare] He would have to pay for that. Rank disrespect to my family. How can he think my sister is cheap? Or free?

Now, if you have been living together, and doing things which I do NOT want to know, and something happens, and a small life starts growing in you. Then remember that you are almost time barred. I MUST know as soon as possible. Because when you put on some weight, then it is no longer in my hands. You are my sister, so I look after you, as a surrogate for my father. When that happens, he will ask me about that, and I MUST know what to answer the old man.

So, sister DeT, you come to me, on an evening when we are together like we are, with small sis Princess looking on with very wide adorable eyes. And, as I am looking with a frown into the flames, you jog my elbow.

I look at you, and you smile.

I have something to tell you, big bro. You say

I frown, sensing that it is serious. Turn my full attention to you, and listen.

You know I am an adult now. (I nod), and it is time for me to start thinking about a place of my own. (more vigorous nod. Girl, you are overdue, since the breast buds started showing.)

So, I have seen a boy.

(I frown. A boy, what boy is playing with my sister?)

Err, a man (quick interruption from you. My frown was getting ugly). He likes me, and I like him.

(I am listening. It is your forum, it is you who must tell me.)

He has asked me to be with him. (you say it all in a rush, eyes cast down)

After a few minutes, you look up at me. My face is split in a huge grin. The teeth are reflecting the starlight, the moonlight, and the firelight.

Relax, little sis. My face says. I knew, and I was waiting for you to INFORM me. So, Princess, besides me, relaxes. It is not going to be a fight. I have been informed. But that is not all. Those are the preliminaries

GayUganda