Thursday, April 24, 2008

The Big Day

Oh, it will come, I assure you, deT, it will come.

But first of all, there are all the small things to go through. The big day is the day that he takes you away. Am not a Christian, and I am not going to insist on that, Sis. That will be up to you.

After he has discussed, and we have agreed on the bride price, and how he is to pay it (installments, for some tribes, past the birth of the first babies...)

The big day. We invite the whole village. And the family. And the extended family.

We start early, (East African Standard Time; 2 hours after the stated time), and of course they will do us the honour of coming 3 hours afterwards. That is the definition of ‘fashionably late.’

When the whole village is gathered, and the ‘Bako’ arrived, and I have put on my traditional clothes to welcome them, (I am resplendent in leopard skins and ostrich feathers. I know, many girls have told me. Sigh!), then, and only then will the ‘Introduction’ ceremony start.

I will not bore you with the details- they are intricate, and vary with tribe and place.

We will be told everything about his family. His great and grandparentage. And we shall be informed that he has come for something special from our home.

After a lot of haggling, (mock haggling), since everything is pre-arranged, we shall at last come to you identifying him in the middle of all his brothers and sisters.

Now, some tribes in the east are reputed to follow a certain custom.

You are supposed to identify him, and then run off.

He will chase you, and not catch you until you are far into the banana plantations. Then he will wrestle you to the ground (You have to struggle and soak him a few in the gut. No sister of mine is going to appear easy!)

And then he will have his way with you, and you will come back as his wife. "Rape of the Willing" we call it. Or we will have some other such custom. But the end result is that he goes with you.

I have to warn you sister, me, I have no sympathy with the new fangled Christian tradition things. If you want, you will go to church, and invite me or your dad to give you away. If you don’t want, that is up to you. It doesn’t matter to me.

But it is important to some people. Like little sis, Princess here. And some of my aunties. So, we shall have to choose a Ssenga for you who will not mind the traditional way. Some of them will insist on that. Imagine, one of them once insisted on not having the beer at a wedding– just because she was a Christian!

Now sis, I know all this has been a bit of a shock, and revelation to you, of course. But don’t worry. Now that you have told me, everything will be done, officially. And we will not have to beat him up, for thinking our family is nothing…

So, what do you say, sister?



DeTamble said...

What do I say? I say that the stand of banana trees that are literally four metres from me have just taken on a whole new meaning. Now whenever I reach up to touch their cooling leaves I shall think of you and Comrade.

My price in instalments? I think it should be a lump sum payment and there will be no babies, unless the little bastards are condom breakers (like me).

Bako? Is that Rev?

You look resplendent in leopard skins and ostrich feathers? *sigh* If only you weren't gay and my brother, though I've never been against sibling incest...
What do I get to wear?

I want the Rape of the Willing!!!
How much am I allowed to struggle? Will it shame my family if I give him a nice scratch along his cheek?
I don't want any other such custom. I want that one! And I too am not fond of church weddings, I'd rather an outside romp amongst the banana trees :-)

Princess, where are you?

Princess said...

Right here, sis!
I'll insist on a church wedding only after we agree on your not wearing, "virginal white."

Heck, why not just go with the registrar's office and the 'Rape of the Willing'?

gayuganda said...

This is terrible.

deT, you have already corrupted little sis!

Oh, my, what am I gonna do? This big bro business for teenage girls is stressing...

Lil Sis, if there is no bride price, and I hear you went to the Registrars, I will visit with the six other brothers. That is what will happen.

DeTamble said...

Corrupted her already? Well, I do try my best but she's very resistant!

I always was a fan of the registrars office as opposed to a church. Those banana trees do look good though ;-) Me want!

We're stressing you? And who was that date Princess when on with? Hmmm? Little Sister? Have you been sneaking around behind our backs?

GUG, are there six brothers including you or seven brothers including you?? :-| That's a lot of beating for the unfortunate lovers of your sisters...

Princess said...

It was just that guy from down the know the one with the tattoos and the pierced ears-
The cute one who smokes weed-

Princess said...

I think I ought to have said that AFTER the talk with mama-

DeTamble said...

Oh yeah, he is cute. Is it true he has that piercing, ya know.. down there...through his erm...manhood?

Princess said...

*loud screeching voice
DeT's talking about BAD manners!

Princess said...

*runs off to hide behind GUG, hands over ears

DeTamble said...

*wonders how a cock piercing can be considered bad manners*

Princess said...

*Thinks she'll just go over to DK's and rewatch V-

DeTamble said...

:-o Again? Meaning you need to watch it again because you didn't actually see any more of it then the first few minutes because you were too busy canoodling? Well, enjoy ;-) Don't tell GUG though, or those 26,000 brothers of ours will come storming down upon you two and I would hate to see that DVD scratched...

Princess said...

Platonic, sis.
Very extremely platonic, brotherly re-watching of V with DK...

DeTamble said...

Platonic? Ohhhhh, fine. If that's the way you two are then I guess there's no need for those brothers. However, that date with tattoo man....hmmm

gayuganda said...


For your information, the 6 brothers are my father's sons. I can call upon my father's brothers sons, in case of need. And of course my whole clan to support me in disciplining two wayward sisters.

You are warned.

Anonymous said...

hilarious stuff, those two girls, quite a handful GUG, you are not a happy camper i can see! :-)

my poor ribs!

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