Now that I know.

I am the ‘Muko’, and you have informed me, deT. Officially.

So, we have to start thinking about what is supposed to happen. And there are lots of things to prepare for.

For example, we have to choose a ‘Senga’ for you. One of my father’s sisters, of course. But she gets a very special role. Go between for my family, and his family. She is the one who arranges things.

Since I know, everything will be easy.

First, I will inform daddy. My duty. And then, of course, mummy. Not so important, but she must know. (Sorry for the political incorrectness. I am an African male. [glare]) The Ssenga is very important. She will teach you about all the correct and expected behaviour, that my dear Muko will expect.

For example, you don’t look him in the eye, he is a man. You look demurely to the side. Make sure that the water in the bathroom is hot enough before you tell him that it is ready. I have a suspicion that he is a Muganda. Now, that is the most difficult tribe. He will expect you to be his slave in the home, in all but name. But that is your duty as his woman.

By the way, you didn’t tell me, are you the first wife?

[You are startled. I realize that you don’t know]

Sigh. The duties of the elder brother! I will have to find out. Of course I am going to. Find out how many children he has, whether he is willing to make you the official wife. You have to be. And I have to know. Part of the negotiations.

When we get to the bride price, that is a big, big thing.

Forgive me sister, you are white, priceless. A mzungu. Oh, what glory you are going to bring to the family! If he is a Muganda, he will not give me cows. But if he is from the west, I will value you about 30 heads of cattle. Minimum.

Don’t frown, DeT, you have no say in all these things. What you have to do at the moment is to learn all the good behaviour expected by a Rev of you. You must not shame the family. That is what the Ssenga is supposed to do. Marital counseling. Not martial counselling. [Of course he will beat you sometimes, but that is besides the point]

I don’t think we have the Kama Sutra in our tradition, but your Ssenga is supposed to teach you everything.

(Err, DeT, don’t shame me by trying to kiss her. That will certainly distract her)

You are lucky. We are a modern, ‘educated’ family. She will not insist on spending the Night of the Nuptials underneath the bed to give you instructions in pleasuring the man of the house. That is her right. To see that it happens, and of course to bring evidence of your virginity out of the room triumphantly the next day.

So, Sister DeT, you are quiet, are you taking that in? He is a cute guy, I know, but you must not shame the family. That is the most important thing.

GayUganda