Tuesday, October 2, 2007

New Horizons

I must say that despite all my efforts, I have spent the day wallowing in self pity.


Ok, lets begin again. Self pity. From one of the guys who thought it was piteous of me to be gay, I was resolute in my presumed disdain. No pity, I thought. Yet, I have been guilty of the same. I have weakened myself with thought of the opportunities I seem to lose because of my sexuality. Or things that I can comfortably blame on my sexuality.

There, that is a better beginning.

The sun rises, and goes down. The rain falls, and clouds sweep across the skies. And the day is still beautiful, when there is rain and when there is sunshine. I never knew that I would ever get this mastery of the language that I use in writing. I mean, a secret. I stammer. Considerably!

And I thought that I had conquered the habit with my fluency of writing. Course not. My dad recently disabused me. I commented on one of my little nephew's stuttering, and my dad casually compared it to mine.
I was devastated for a few minutes. I have always known that I do stammer. But I deceived myself that I do not. I have done much better since the days that I used to fear talking. But my love still teases me that, many a time, I get stuck in the same speechless rut. He knows me. He understands.

Anyway, back to the point. Somethings are, and some are not. And I may be able to compensate for some of my presumed failings. Or I may not.

But one of the worst things I could do would be to let myself dwell on the things that I am not able to do.

So, work place opportunities at my current position seemed to have dimmed. But I am still alive, and I do have a number of options.
Have to lift up my eyes, have to look at the horizons. There is something beyond. There is something out there that I can explore.

Explore new horizons.

I was relaxing, thinking about this, while my lover groomed me. And it came to me what I can do. I now have the time to do it, and I can.

So, first thing was to note this down. That is, after planning out tomorrow.

I am still alive, and I only have to raise my eyes to see the new horizons. And I must say they look interesting.
Thing is, I have to convince my lover to believe in me. It seems I have this habit of dreaming. He is more down to earth. Means he is less likely to believe in my dreams.

How frustrating!

But he has stuck with me this long, I think we shall pull through.

Great to be in love. Great to be able to love and be loved back. Great to be able to explore one's self in the eyes and heart of a lover.


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