Something as Simple as Love

We went to bed early.

Yes, it was Saturday night, and cool, and we had not gone out Friday. A little problem with bad budgeting… And this, the middle of the month. We went to bed early.

And I woke up, very early, in his arms. We made love, wildly, as the early morning drizzle descended on Kampala. Went to sleep again, with the sound of rain on the roof, the cool of the morning in the air on our fevered skins.

Woke again, apart from him.

He was still in the bed, so I tugged and pulled until he woke and moved into my hands. I wrapped mine around him till he was fitted well and truly, and there was no distance at all between us. We drifted off into content sleep.

Something as simple as love.

Nothing beats waking up in the arms of the guy who loves you. Not sex. That is a pleasure, true, something to share and glory in, to hum one’s strings and feel sated about. To glory in the physical exertions.

But, sex, for all its beauties, just does not come anywhere near love.

Nothing is like waking up in his arms, feeling him curve into me, and I into him, feeling him responding, even while asleep. Nothing is like to sharing our breaths with him, him and I, knowing the purring contentment of a cat savouring a scratch, the knowledge that, in my world, in my bed, there is the man who loves me, and I love him, and we are in one the others arms. Nothing beats that feeling.

All my inadequacies are like nothing before that.

I know, he is not perfect. Neither am I. We are human beings with little or much to achieve. Our aspirations, our likes and dislikes, our fears, prejudices,- all the things that bring us together and tear us apart. Nothing beats the invisible bonds of love.

Our world is hostile.

I still cannot give him a hug in the open, without risking much less than my life. I know, the rumours have swirled, and, some have gotten back to us. Others have not. The living of life on an edge, risking all- it is all worth it, waking in his arms. Nothing beats that feeling of love, the contentment of being loved, and loving back. Nothing.

Our world is not the one to take content in.

It is volatile, and fragile. It is temporary, a good smelling smoke on wind. Right now it is drizzling, incessant, a wet drip, drip, drip, which may cloud the whole day, and overcast that may make the sun a far, distant visitor, through the day.

Or, the drip may dry, and the sun come out, and the day be hot, despite the rain and drizzle of the morning.

That is what our lives are. A constantly changing kaleidoscope of colours. Some bright, some dull, most average. But, through it all is the weave of love, something above all things. Nothing, literally nothing beats the knowledge of love.

I got out of bed to see whether I could write this. Beats the times that I have to delve into the little and small things of life, learn the latest from those who hate me for strange and interesting reasons, and those who don’t care, and a world of which I am, yet I am not.

True. I also got up to read a poem, look out at the world, and think of all my blessings, which are many, and the curses, which seem to be overwhelming. Strange that I couldn’t let go of the feeling of love that I woke up with and that to make the banner to my day?

Nothing beats love. I am glad I have had the privilege to understand it, to share it, to have someone to share it with.

Nothing beats love.

May I wish you a beautiful day? Wheresoever you are, whosoever you are, whatever you believe, may love be a silver lining to the clouds that you bump in through the day, through the week.

Nothing beats love.

gug

Very Personal

Yesterday, I came out to another of my brothers.

So help me the deities, but, I do have enough of them. Which makes it a chore, because I have decided that it is time. And, it would not be a good thing for them to know from the TV that big bro is an out and out homosexual.

Yeah, of course I do the charming, ‘You know I am a homosexual’ routine. Except that I use the word gay.

I don’t know what they think about it. Don’t give them much time to digest it. Maybe I am wrong that way. But, it is stressful embarrassing thing. I know what they all think about being gay. So, I kind of have to go through that all the time, and want to spend as little time as possible on the actual job. Call me a coward, you wont be far wrong.

Why don’t heterosexuals come out? Hey, you know I am hetero…! It would even the score. Just a bit!

Anyway, I tell my bro. And, he goes tells my dad something about it.

Today was Daddy’s birthday. 72 years. I believe.

Yeah, Daddy came to me after he had talked to brother. And, he was agitated.

He is an elder. On the village, in the clan, in the tribe. He has taken a lifetime of work to get to this position of respect all around. And, I am doing him the disfavour of coming out to all and sundry. Saying what I am, gay, and fearless about it.

Hey, I thought he would be happy about it…

No. He was not. And, a kind request, could I at least think of getting off the village? I can do it out of sight, at least. He may know that I am there, but…!

The old man had designated me the heir apparent.

See, am the second son, but the apple of his eye. But, I thought….! He has pleaded with me to get married. Silence on my part. He even offered me a girl, and I laughed him off. No thanks, I told him. Then, he told me, at least children. He didn’t think that I am sterile just because I am gay. No response from me. Then, he pleaded, more than a year ago now, at least one child. Even if it is a girl. (We are Africans. A girl child does not grow the clan. A boy child does.)

I was deaf to his entreties.

Well, I am gay.

I knew he knew it, but, we would not discuss it before this year. Maybe I have something to thank Bahati for!

Needless t say, my whole day was spoilt yesterday. Today, I decided to try and cover up the loss that I felt. It hurts. Very badly. It hurts.

But I am afraid with the threat of life imprisonment, and Death in my own country, I cannot respect my dad’s request to remain silent.

Maybe we can come to a compromise. A bit of it.

But the bill is still in parliament. And there is work to do.

And, he remains my Dad. Wonder how Mom is taking it?

A very personal post. Have a great day. It is night here, and I have to make sure I don’t spend too much time thinking about that.

Good evening.

gug

I believe…

in people.

That should not be possible. At this very moment, a well meaning country mate, David Bahati has written a document which would see me in prison for life. Or dead, by hanging, as it is done in our country, Uganda.

He is a representative of us, the people of Uganda. And, together with others, representatives, they will sit in our parliament and make this the law of the land.

And, I still believe in people?

How can I not? All over the world, people who are like me have stood up to say no. There is something wrong with this.

The vast majority don’t know me, from ‘Adam’.

All that they know is that I exist. All they know is that I am under threat.

And, they have formed vast alliances, of many peoples, of many faiths, many colours, to make sure my countryman does not succeed.

Is there evil?

I say I don’t know. Truth, I cant decide, cant come to a philosophical consideration whether or not there is evil.

If there was evil, it would be made man in a countryman of mine, a ‘Pastor’ a man of God called Ssempa. For reasons unknown to me, he is passionately against all that are like me. It has been so for years. He is a powerful man, a leader, an opinion maker in my country. And, he is the epitome of evil to people like me in my country, Uganda.

I have watched with incredulity, as he used his considerable powers of persuasion and charisma to seek that one thing he desires beyond everything, to hurt a gay person. He is rich, powerful, well connected. A self made man, with a good education, he has one passion. One, wild, burning, flame of hatred. All things homosexual. All things like me.

For that he will lie, he will turn the crowd against one. He will scale heaven, descend the pits of hell, just to be sure he will hurt a gay person.

Why? why is this such an obsession for him?

I don’t know.

And, I believe in people?

I have just been out, seated on the roadside.

A balmy Kampala afternoon. I am in the suburbs. Un-surfaced road, the dust barely held down by the damp of last evening’s drizzle. The sun is hidden. Playing hide and hide beyond some towering clouds. Its cool, calm, silent down here.

I was reading a poem.

And, to my mind came the conviction that, indeed, life is beautiful.

Life is a wonderful thing. That is why we toil so much, to keep alive. That is why, even if death is a constant shadow over our shoulders, we try to stave him off, till the last.

I live in a picture perfect place of beauty. A garden country, a beautiful, lovely country.

Yet all this poetic beauty is nothing without the presence of people. Other human beings.

I looked at them, thinking of writing a poem. Looking at the kids who gaze at this guy in wonder, reading a book on the roadside. The boys, interested in girls, and I, interested in them. Flowers of beauty that strut their way up and down the road.

Beautiful cars, old and middle aged people. They stroll all past. And I, am silent, looking at them, seeing little but what they are.

Hawkers, peddlers festooned with all manners of goods. Walking shops, young men, and a few women, hawking their wares.

Indeed, it is a beautiful country.

So are the people, the mindless faces that may see me not, or, if they do, forget me the next instant. But, I believe in them.

They are, and I am one of them.

They are capable of the most mind numbing cruelty. I cannot deny that.

They are capable of shameless, cruel things.

And they are capable of the most heartbreaking manifestations of love. Compassion, feeling pain for each other, labouring, fighting, even dying for one another.

Even the most cruel person has someone they love.

I believe in people. Human beings.

gug

(Written 12/18/2009 3:05 PM)

The love of a Brother

Told you of my brother,... the one who is a Pentecostal Pastor. I would trust him with a knife to my throat.

Yes I would.

That is why I went to him when I felt I needed to come out to my family. That is why I went to him with an almost impossible request. I love him. We differ in many things, but, he is blood, and he is my brother.

Where I grew up, I learnt that family, extended family, clan, tribe. Those were the things that mattered.

I have other brothers, and other sisters. I know that they know my sexuality. With most, I have not talked. With some, I am not that close. But, they are family. They are blood. And, that small fact wipes out all our differences. Even if I am gay.

But, David Bahati would report his brother to the police. Indeed, he would arrest him himself. Here.

It is the first bill Bahati has ever written, and he calls it a "very wonderful piece of legislation." His bill would impose the death penalty on adults who have gay sex with minors. And it would jail anyone who fails to report gay activity to police within 24 hours.

And what if his brother were engaging in homosexual activity?

"I'd arrest him myself and take him to the police," Bahati says.

I think that simple statement has made me radically revise my estimate of him. I just cannot understand this betrayal of family. Again, I ask myself, would my brother, my brothers do that? I hope not.

Was it hyperbole? Just a boast?

But, the Anti-Homosexuality Bill, with the aim to wipe out homosexuality from Uganda, that bill which he authored and, before any changes are made, that bill sees for the homosexual Ugandan only two options. Death. And life imprisonment.

Was he joking?

I just dont think he was. He is deadly serious.

I was shaken.

Sometime ago, I saw a guy who was in a bad fix. His younger brother, a young man, used to live with him, at his home. One day the brother in a pique of anger lashed out at his nephew, his brother's son, a seven year old boy. He hit him in the side, and, something broke. The boy was rushed to hospital and died, and the young man was arrested.

Despite losing a son, the elder brother felt the need to defend his younger brother. That is a true story. That is how strong, and how un-forgiving the bond of brotherly love I have learnt is. A brother can anger you. They often do. You may quarrel, fight, shout.

But, a brother, a sister remains that. Shared blood.

That is what I learnt.

Hon. David Bahati would report a brother who was a homosexual. Even knowing that that report would lead to prosecution, him as the witness, and, a life time imprisonment or death for his brother.

Yes. I am shaken.

I am more shaken by that than the other revelations in the article.
Bahati says

"This is a defining bill for our country, for our generation. You are either anti-homosexual or you're for homosexuals, because there's no middle point. Anybody who does not believe that homosexuality is a crime is a sympathizer," Bahati says.

Who said that? GWBush? wasnt it? either for, or against...!

and, people are afraid to oppose him. Here is one member of the opposition.

Erias Lukwago, a first-term lawmaker, says he doesn't like the bill but can't afford to disagree with it in parliament.

"I'm telling you I cannot. I fear the reaction of society to be associated with gays — highly stigmatized, ostracized. Even for this interview alone it might be perceived that the gay community is paying me," he says.

Until the political climate changes in Uganda, Lukwago says he is keeping his mouth shut.

Yes, people are afraid. Even those who can do something. And, who will vote. They are afraid.

And, of course there is Steven Langa.

"Providing literature, writing books about it, standing up and saying it is OK — you should be arrested. Even if you are not in the act, you should be arrested. Anybody who tries to promote it should be arrested. That's why we need a stronger law," Langa says.

But, to me, the most shocking thing is that, David Bahati, in his defence of the Traditional family that is enshrined in the bill, he would seek to tear the family as I know it. All in the name of, God?

That shocks me.

gug

I believe

In myself. That is why, that is how I continue.

Some days, I wake like today. It was a beautiful morning. Great to be in bed with the guy that I love. But, soon as I switched on my phone, an sms message.

I had asked my brother a question. You know, my elder brother. The one I came out to, eons ago. The one who is a Pentecostal pastor. Fairly important question, a favour. I thought he would be able to do it for me.

Sadly, my sexuality is a huge problem. After a long time thinking about it, he told me he was not able to. He sent me the message. Then.

I know, I put him in a difficult position. Very difficult.

I am gay of course. But also a human being. I thought that his knowledge of me would trump the fear he has of my sexuality. Maybe I asked too much. Maybe.

I feel sad. That I asked the question, the favour.

I feel angry, that fear of what I am is the stumbling block.

I feel… horrible. Rejected.

MP Benson asked me why cant I believe that the whole world is wrong and Uganda correct on this? No, I answered. But, it is the same kind of thing with my sexuality in Uganda. Seems as if my whole world is set against me. Same pride, oddly. I know I am right.

It was wretched, coming out to my brother. Broke us off for some time.

This, my expectations, his hesistancy. What we are, in this Uganda of ours.

One gay leader once told me to stop dreaming, expecting acceptance from our world. Because, we gay people will never get it. Never. Our own people will always find an excuse to hate us. For reasons that are obscene, or petty, or real. Or imagined.

But, the world will always hate us.

True.

Maybe.

So, why don’t I bend low, and accept and be what the world expects me to be? For the simplest of reasons. I am what I am.

And, with all my anchors shaken, my faith in humanity, love, community- all my expectations dashed because I am different, I hold onto the one thing that I know.

I believe. In myself.

gug