I am unsettled.
Seriously so. Cannot concentrate. Cannot do what I want to do. Cannot vent, as I should.
I am finding myself snapping, short tempered, pouring it all on my mate.
But, it is not his fault. Ha ha ha..... Poor partner. He doesn't even know that it is not his fault that I seem all smiles but cannot settle and be happy.
It is a very beautiful day.
Woke up to a bright sun, and light washing everywhere. Should lift the spirits, that. The previous days have been a bit dull. Not dull enough to dampen my spirits..... well, damp does not do that to me. Lifts them up rather.
And, yesterday, I walked home. It was a day of beauty. Yep, my dad and mom don't live together. But, since I did grow up with my mom, where she is is the place I call home. So, I walked the five or so kilometres in beautiful afternoon sunshine. Was warm, pleasantly so. I loved it.
Got home to find mom there. Lady was happy to see me. As always. Bet you moms are always like so. At least, mine is. She has been trying to cajole me into a visit. But, am always busy, and I didn't expect her to be home. She had got her Christmas break from work. And, was happy to see me at last. Spent a pleasant few hours together.
And, I walked home, to our place, in the evening. Beautiful time.
No. That was not the cause of my bad mood.
See, with the end of the year comes the need to celebrate the time we met. Me and my partner. He is hugely into the significance of celebrating anniversaries and big days. Not a big deal for me, but, he finds it important. And, I find it important with him.
So, he has been busy working on that. Making a guest list, settling who will be doing what and when. I have been very busy too. Trying to stay under the radar, dodging the inevitable chores....! Hey, I never, ever intimated that I am an angel. And, chores for a party are the most boring thing on earth. I certify that!
This will be the tenth anniversary.
And, because of that, he determined to include our relatives. We discussed who. I thought one of my sisters may do. Well, I am not sure that she would. And, one of my brothers.... maybe....!
So, the other day, partner rings up my sister, and goes to extend the invitation. It is our big day, and we do want her there. If she would. [Why not me? When she is my sister.... I admit. I am a coward!]
. Fact is, they are chummy together, this sis and my mate.
So, he makes an appointment to see her. He goes and talks to her. Explains why we would be honoured by her presence. She listened to him. Promised to tell him her decision....
Red herring? When he told me, I thought maybe she wanted to consult my mom about it.
Anyway, coming home, I found my lover. He showed me a text message from her.
Sorry. Not able to attend. They (who are they, I wonder), they love us, but think that we are living in sin. They are saved (Pentecostals), and cannot attend when they....
I don't remember the rest of it. Hope you get the gist.
I was boiling. Kept quiet. Immediately afterwards, told my lover that I would ask my mom. I felt a raw wound. Would she reject me also? She is my mom, I told my lover. She cannot say no.
Went to bed angry. Desolate, devastated. Why does it matter so much? Why is it such a big deal? I have lived with him ten solid years. We are happy. Why do we need this seal of approval? This tiny little thing to be done, one of my sisters, one of my relatives accepting me for what I am, and coming to celebrate with me a significant event, the day I met and since been with my life mate? Why?
I guess I bottle up too much emotion.
Had to come out. Was not allowing me to concentrate, to do work as is necessary. I knew what was making me mad, and what has made me snap at my lover, my mate, almost bringing him to tears. I know, don't know why, I don't know why it bloody matters.
But, it does.
Yes. I feel devastated. I feel alone. That has emphasized it for me. What do my brothers, my sisters, behind the façade of 'acceptance' what do they really think of me? Of my mate?
Yes. It profits me nothing to speculate. Maybe, pouring out these thoughts on this piece of paper, posting them out there in cyberspace will help. After all, that is what the blog is for. To air my frustrations and hurt, my bewilderment with my world.
I am not perfect. I don't think I will ever be. Neither are my people, my relatives. But, heavens. It hurts. Rejection hurts to the highest heaven.
Am I ready to face a mother's rejection too? She knows I am gay. Knows my lover. Would she, will she reject me too? Should I give her the chance to do so? To say yes or no?
Would I be able to stomach a no? Even if the reason is her faith, or whatever other excuse it might be?
Gosh. It hurts. It hurts bad.