Monday, December 13, 2010

Coming Out.

Its mid December. Nearly, anyway. End of the year, beginning of another.

I never make new year resolutions. Find it an unnecessary stress to undertake them. But, it is a time for thought and thinking, for reflection. What has the old year been about? What do I expect from the new year? How do I plan the new year, with respect to the realities of what is, and what is not?

No, it is frustratingly difficult to plan. So, I make a tentative wish list, and think about how to get to the final that I want. For example, I am pretty sure that Ssempa, Dear Pastor Dr. Martin 'eat da poo poo' Ssempa will resurrect in the new year..... but, what will he do? He is a political chameleone. The huge fall that he took with his 'eat da poo poo' theatrics are not about to keep him down. And, he has a huge following, a base in Uganda, which is a springboard to anything that he would love to do....

Even killing gays.... ha ha ha. I watched a snippet of Bahati's interview with Rachel Maddow. Poor deluded man. Seriously deluded man. If it was not the fact that the guy is after putting me in prison or killing me because I am gay, I would be seriously think of dismissing him. I mean, he is seriously in shit. And, not of the good kind.

But, my countrymates believe him. They believe in making sure that me as a homosexual dies, because I am a homosexual.

Ok. That bears strongly with what I have been thinking about in the last few months.

Time for me to be real open about my sexuality.

Thing is, the veil is tattered. Real tattered. More people know, believe, think, or suspect that I am gay than don't. I mean, I think there are few enough of my acquitances who do not know that.

But, again, it is a decision with un-suspected ripple effects.

My relatives... well, Dad warned me not to go that way.... Last real quarrel we had with him. He kind of accepts that I am gay. Is holding on, with tentative scepticism, to the promise to give him a grand child […...! I do love children. And, the promise was more to myself than to him....]. But, he is horrified by my activism and exposure. It can hurt him.

Of course, being publicly known as gay will have an effect on my relatives. Of course it will. Many know, many suspect... but, is my pastor brother willing to have me known as one of the gay Ugandans? Oh, sorry, homosexual Ugandans.. if there is any difference?

But, it is freedom, getting out of the closet. It is made of bars of steel, restrictions and an iron floor, hard, unyielding, even when I do not see it.

Why the thought? Yes, because of the freedom. And, because,... I am getting on in years, and living closeted irks me more.... And, because with the freedom to be myself, I will be able to achieve more of my more open goals...

Tough thought. Tough, tough, tough...

Anyway, I have to think about it, and I am. No decision till I am ready to do so. Coming out is too important, too tough a something to do.

Meanwhile, friends, acquitances, I do hope you are enjoying the festive season.

Here, it is just starting off. With kids, many, if not most, back from school, heading upcountry to grandpa and grandma, and others flooding the city bars and shopping malls.

Enjoy the day. And the festive season.


gug

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I agree gug that it is a tough decision to make but one which nags at you as you get older.

Just yesterday my mum talked to me about marriage. I stormed off as I was wont to when she came round to that topic.

I am in my late 40s. I love children but have no intention of being married to a woman.
You know, just before going online, I actually gave coming out to my mother a very serious thought - if only to put paid to her constant needling. It had never crossed my mind before. I guess as one gets older and gets more comfortable with one's sexuality, one gets more daring. But, caution is still the watchword. After all, we are still in Africa.

Gay Nigerian

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