the sun rises, a burning sphere bright
in a pale blue sky, devoid of cloud-
tracking a liquid fire path across the blue.
the winds of the lake, barely touching the heat,
the nights under a cloudless star speckled sky
are cold, colder than usual;
stark contrast to the burning day.
"tracking a liquid fire path across the blue."
Oh and the font's different too! :P
I almost didn't see this one:
"the winds of the lake, barely touching the heat,"
Trust you to take it literally!
I didnt like the first. So, back to pen and paper, and the second, well, a might better. Otherwise...
I will not ask Eshuneutics to give me his view, but you Princess, what do you think of it?
Patronising, pesky brother!
"Trust you to take it literally!"
[aggrieved]...I'LL GET YOU BACK FOR THAT!
*What I think is that the descriptive words are apt and while I prefer:
"tracking a liquid fire path across the blue," to what you'd used before[the imagery it provides is more vivid],
"the winds of the lake, barely touching the heat," comes across as ambiguous and I feel you say it better with:
"The winds of the lake
barely soothing the heat;"
The poem manages to pull off the description of a hot day.But no, it is not one of your more brilliant pieces... :)
Ahem... I will ask for Eshuneutics opinion, just to deflate a little!
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant???
Wrong adjective. Yes, with the poem, i wanted to capture what the day was like, and I liked it for that. Brilliancy? I would ask you what you meant by that, but I dont want to have that conversation here. Hell, it is just for fun.
And yes, some of your pieces[read posts] are indeed brilliant! :D
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