You will forgive me. I am not into the habit of prayer. And I do not believe. Well, it is true, I do not believe. So, it might be a little strange that I am praying now. Or, at least writing a prayer.
It has been a long time. The habits do grow stale with no use.
You see, I am a homosexual. We went through that last time I dared to pray.
No. I have not changed my mind. I know I am a homosexual, and, at the moment, I am even convinced that you created me a homosexual. You see, it is kind of hard for me to believe that you would make me one thing, and then demand that I become something else. We did go through this, remember?
Yes, I did come to a conclusion that I could not believe in you.
After all, there seemed to be no way for that to be possible. You will forgive me if something still draws me back to praying. I would blame it on the little alcohol I took today. But I have been thinking about it for some time.
You see, God, my lover is a believer.
He is a man, and I am a man. And he believes in you.
I don’t know why he does, but he does. Maybe it is his faith rubbing off on me. He is a homosexual, and he believes in you as god.
I have many problems with his beliefs, but he still believes. Which is strange, since we have managed to stay together some seven years now. I am proud of that.
Remember the time that I told you that I am homosexual? And what made me conclude that I could not believe in you? Many of the reasons still hold.
It is true that I kind of believe in the god of the new testament. You know, the one that Jesus preached about. A god of love. Fact, I do fear the god of the old testament, so if it was not that there was some hope with Jesus’s god, I would not come to you at all.
A god of love. Is that possible?
But so many of the people who believe in you and call themselves your children, and Christians are very quick to believe in the god of death. No mercy, little love, and all sorts of rules and laws. I know this, even more than the other time. You see, when I say I am a homosexual, they tell me it is impossible for me to be anything like a Christian. Because I must deny that I am a homosexual, something which I know would be a lie. Do I have to live a lie to be a Christian?
Again, we have gone through this before.
But something which irks me, why do Christians hate us homosexuals so much?
Don’t tell me that they do not hate me. I do not have to cite all the instances of their hate of me. I am not a child, and you know, I would not like you to insult the intelligence you gave me, ok? They hate me, and it is galling that they say they ‘hate my sin but love me’. Why do they think…
Ok, maybe I should not blame you for all your people’s beliefs.
I think I am through with the prayer. It will not change what they think. And they will continue hating me, whatever they say.
Oh, I know some don’t, but they are very few. And those who hate us are so many as compared to those who don’t. And they hate them because they love us.
Anyway, I think I will end this prayer here.
Frankly, I am confused. I am not sure that I know what I am praying about. But then, I do not claim to know everything about life. I just know I need to pray. Maybe. Sometimes.
And, you know, I didn’t say I believed in you, just because I prayed. After all, I am a homosexual. Of that I am very sure.