One or two days ago, woke up a bit late. Alarm had gone off, and I had stayed in bed. Dawn is a bit late, and. Sometimes it is not so much fun getting out of bed, from my lover’s warm hands.
I put on my phone, and immediately, the tones of a message incoming.
I wanted to get out. Day break is a special time. That time when darkness goes away, and light takes over. An awakening of the planet. When the electric bulbs turn from brilliant stars of the night to insignificant nothings. When the quiet of night slips by degrees into the song of birds, and then to the quiet of the morning.
I love that time. My love, poor him, will continue missing me then.
That day, got out before I checked the message on the phone. Inhaled the morning, bathed in its new light, and was content.
Then I remembered the message.
It was from my brother. Elder brother.
“…, what u shared with me is wrong!!! Abominable! It is a deception from satan. P’se bro, free yo self from it! Not God’s plan 4 u! Jesus will help u. Please. …”
My spirits plummeted to zero. I tried, desperately to see more of the morning. It was suddenly dull.
It has remained so for some time. The days.
Family is important. One sister seems to have accepted me, without reservations. Sending greetings to my lover. Others seem to be happy with the status quo. Maybe. Maybe not.
But I did think that I had an ally that I could lean on.
Yet, I have to be realistic. Of all the others, he was possibly the one most likely to change his mind.
That was Aug. 2007. He came home, met my lover, embraced him. Just a few days later. I thought that I was accepted.
But big bro is a Pentecostal pastor. If there is something that I have come to notice, it’s the fact that the ‘disinformation’ from the other side is considerable.
First he was concerned about my lack of faith. But he couldn’t back away from what I had told him. It must have weighed heavily on him. And, well, he must have sent the message after a long time in prayer. I know him.
So, what is the way forward?
I don’t know. I have been thinking about it for some time. Sent him an email the first day, acknowledging the sms. But continued thinking about it.
Today, I did think that I had the words. He has not rejected me. He is having problems, and I bet that he does love me. And reconciling me with this image of the gay brother, or homosexual brother, well. He is finding it hard.
I sent him a PFLAG link, sometime ago.
I can only hope.
Today, I wrote to him
I don’t know how to win you over.
I am what I am. I cannot be untrue to myself.
Yes, I do not believe. You will allow me to make up my mind on faith?
Yes, I am gay.
I did not make myself. I was made that way.
I cannot, and will not deny myself for that will be a falsehood that I have lived before.
I do not know how to win you over.
I just hope that you can still love me, as I am, faithless, and gay.
but still human, and your brother.”
True, it hurts. Yet, what did he say in the sms? Nothing but a wish for my wellbeing as he saw it.
My expectations were too high. I know I can be hurt, by those I love, in the name of love, because they love me.
I can but talk to him. I will talk to him. Have to. Dunno when. But have to.