Coming (NOT) out

Yesterday I was at work. One of my colleagues dared to hint that she had noted me in a newspaper, that she could not believe it. I asked, very curious, what could she not believe?

Her courage vaporated. She told me she would tell me later. There were 2 other people within hearing. They all looked away. Definately knew what she was talking about.

I shrugged to myself. They know. I know they know. And I think they know I know. But how to broach the subject. They have known me for years. And this is when they first suspect? Some, maybe.

I remembered when I first came out to a friend of mine. He was at one time my best friend. Time and circumstances have drifted us apart, but we are still friends. It was hard to tell him. But I did, and he, bless him, he did not reject me.

From those thoughts this poem sprung.

Coming (NOT) out

Friend,
Colleague,
Brother, lover;
I can’t help but lie to you,
fearing what you’ll do when you know,
the whole of me, the real me.

I cannot help but tell you a lie,
day to day, night by night
When we rise up and talk,
toil at pen and hoe.

I cannot help but live duplicity,
that to the bone cuts, tears me apart;
for I fear, dear friend, I fear my love.
You to know this tiny is secret
Part of my life, not all of my life, but yet of me.

That gay I am.
I whisper, I quake, I fear your wrath,-
that years of friendship down the drain will go,
As despair your eyes glazes;
Disgust clouds your eyes,
As you see me as I am not,
Because I am gay.

Begotten I was, made too true,
This, no, it ain’t no quirk,
Just is me, as is, I am.
Not sinner, NO, I pray!
Condemn me not, I beg of you.

Friend, I fear;
You I love, your rejection I dread.
so live will I, a lifetime lie,
to see you a friend, and me as false,
to know you a friend, me a lie.
As I live gay, your friend, colleague,
Brother, sister, and lover all

© GayUganda 13/09/07