I am planning something momentous. I am going up-country tomorrow to tell my brother that I am homosexual. That I am gay.
The simple reason is that I have got to the point when I have to shape up to my responsibilities. It is tough news to break but my relatives have to know. At least some need to. And the sooner the better. Family dynamics. They are particularly sensitive in this case.
Family dynamics. They are particularly sensitive in this case.
A traditional African family we are. My father had children from at least six ladies (that I know of). My brother is my dad’s first borne. I am the second borne.
I am the favoured son. The prospective heir. The prospective head of the family with my dad gone. And Dad is a clan leader. All are issues that I have to consider.
It would not have been a big problem if I was someone different. This is the 'what if' section. What if my brother had been the favoured son? I would not have felt the need to come out to him.
What if I was willing to act on my bisexual instincts and marry a woman? I would have children and would not feel under pressure to reveal the difference in my sexuality.
What if I was less independent and less likely to take my own path? I would be married already, with multiple children to have joy in. And a lady that I would have to cheat on seriously.
But all those are possibilities which could have been in a different universe.
What is, is that I am gay. I am a human being who is lucky enough to know what I am. And I am willing to take this bold stroke.
My brother, he is my elder brother. A half-brother actually. He likes me. We were pals growing up, something which was almost unlikely because I was a favoured son, the favoured son. He is the elder. I know that he loves me.
He is married, with 3 sons. Something which my father has great pride in. The grandsons who are to make the clan bigger.
And my brother is a Pentecostal pastor. A fundamentalist Christian. With a church that he leads up-country.
How will he react?
Almost since I came out to myself, I have tended to draw away from my the rest of my family. It was instinctive. Other things featured. A younger brother knows, and he is not so happy about my orientation. I love my brothers and sisters. I do love my elder brother. But I sincerely do not know how he will react when I tell him that I am gay.
I am known for being 'stubborn'. When I choose a way, I stick to it.
Will he chase me away from his home, his family? Will he listen to me? Will he throw me out?
I have to cover myself. I will extract a pledge from him not to reveal what I am to tell him, before I tell him. I know he would honour it, however he reacts to what I tell him.