Saturday, February 27, 2010

Anger.

That is a potent emotion. And, it can be quite appropriate in some occasions.

At others, it just isn't.

Glad to say that I have learnt to harness mine, a bit more appropriately. Sometimes it does spill over, and it is hot and devastating. And, it injures me of course.

Why am I going on and on about anger?

Just seen this article in the Monitor.  My Husband is Gay.

Uh!

Of course, first one says, poor woman. I know I am gay. I just damned well don't have any reason deceiving a woman that I will marry her, and we shall live happily ever after.

[Now, I am being a hypocrite. I did consider that. Seriously, and more than once. Because it didn't happen will not make me any less a hypocrite. And, of course I know that most of my kuchu friends are married. Some less happily so than others.]

Then of course, my defensive side poured scorn on the 'poor woman'. What about the poor man. And, I do identify more with the guy than the woman.

He had to get married. He got children in the marriage. [remember poor Kagaba, the happy heterosexual ex-gay with a child?]

And now?

Well, he was gay. He is still gay. Getting married didn't 'cure' him. Maybe that is why it all seemed as if they were a model loving couple. With a child.

The story is from the woman's point of view. The injured party.

  • In a womanly anger, she is outing the guy, more generally. There are enough details for one to know the who and where and when. Hope she has fun.
  • The guy did tell her, at last.
  • And, when she confirmed it, via her sister in law… who providentially works in a telecommunication company----

HEY GUYS AND GIRLS, BE CAREFUL! TEXT MESSAGES ARE NOT, THEY ARE NOT SAFE!!!!

Of course government eavesdrops on the voice calls. But, be careful of the sms too.

I guess the Bahati Bill is doing more direct damage even before it works its way through the Parliament committees. Anyway, here is the rest of her story.

The day "His Excellency" spoke is when doom befell me. He told me about George but i didnt believe it at first. It was when I went to bed that night and connected two and two that everything added up. I still kept my cool because I thought he was lying and was just tired of me. I confided in my sister-in-law, who luckily works with a telecommunications company. She traced my husband's text messages and got me more information than I wanted.
The texts were terrifying and disgusting! It was clear that Julius was the "woman" in the relationship. After reading how they missed each other overnight and couldn't wait to kiss, how in the basement during lunch break that week Julius was great and made good sounds... my blood pressure shot up and I woke up in AAR. My-in-law had gone to get us dinner and Steven was the first person I saw. When he leaned forward to hold me, he accidentally called me George - I lost consciousness!

---

the recriminations. The self doubt, the anger, the feelings of betrayal.

 

I am so torn because to me, this is the worst form of betrayal and by far the most unforgivable. I have not talked to him since and even threw him out of the house because I can't stand the sight of him. We were a model couple to our friends, who envied us, but soon the cat will be out of the bag. I don't know what embarassment awaits me because we held together their crumbling marriages, yet ours is coming down in a different and more ashaming heap. I feel like stabbing him in his sleep!
I don't have the answers to why he turned out like that. Heaven knows I've tried to be the best wife, companion and friend and don't know if I really deserved this from him. I wish he were dead; then I would be a content widow and my children orphans.

----

Yes, I do feel for the lady. But, I also feel for the man.

His previously model family, apparently happy life is coming down around his ears. He is being outed and thrown to the dogs by his own wife, who feels outraged, and injured.

But, I cant help feeling that, the Bahati bill caused a lot of self examination for the guy. He actually did come out to the wife.

And, he chose the liberty of getting out of the closet, to the shame and hypocrisy of living a lie for the rest of his life.

Suddenly, my frustrated anger has disappeared. I know the lady is in pain. That is why she is doing what she is doing now. But, I also figure the guy is ready to take on life as it is written. Because of what he is.

Improbable silver lining to a truly dark cloud. What do you think?

 

gug

2 comments:

spiralx said...

Alas, it still happens even in the "liberated" countries. And the woman's reaction is always the same - a deep sense of betrayal. That the man she married is not the man she thought he was.

And - let's remember - the other way round as well.

Honesty - most of the time - is the best policy. That's not a "coming out" call either - but it does mean you have to be honest with yourself, maybe in the silence of your heart.

Leonardo Ricardo said...

I also hate betrayl...it´s just so ¨underminding¨ of values and friendships and LOVE! Several times betrayl really knocked me down (and the depth of it was quite astouding each time all though in different aspects of life)...suddenly I discovered it was ME that need be even more responsible than before because I often lived in DENIAL and ¨made things¨ the way that I wanted them to ¨be¨ in my own mind...sometimes I would credit people with virtues they didn´t even have or even thought of having or wanted to have! Such is the power of my ability to create illusion in my own life.

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