In myself. That is why, that is how I continue.
Some days, I wake like today. It was a beautiful morning. Great to be in bed with the guy that I love. But, soon as I switched on my phone, an sms message.
I had asked my brother a question. You know, my elder brother. The one I came out to, eons ago. The one who is a Pentecostal pastor. Fairly important question, a favour. I thought he would be able to do it for me.
Sadly, my sexuality is a huge problem. After a long time thinking about it, he told me he was not able to. He sent me the message. Then.
I know, I put him in a difficult position. Very difficult.
I am gay of course. But also a human being. I thought that his knowledge of me would trump the fear he has of my sexuality. Maybe I asked too much. Maybe.
I feel sad. That I asked the question, the favour.
I feel angry, that fear of what I am is the stumbling block.
I feel… horrible. Rejected.
MP Benson asked me why cant I believe that the whole world is wrong and
correct on this? No, I answered. But, it is the same kind of thing with my sexuality in Uganda . Seems as if my whole world is set against me. Same pride, oddly. I know I am right. Uganda
It was wretched, coming out to my brother. Broke us off for some time.
This, my expectations, his hesistancy. What we are, in this
of ours. Uganda
One gay leader once told me to stop dreaming, expecting acceptance from our world. Because, we gay people will never get it. Never. Our own people will always find an excuse to hate us. For reasons that are obscene, or petty, or real. Or imagined.
But, the world will always hate us.
So, why don’t I bend low, and accept and be what the world expects me to be? For the simplest of reasons. I am what I am.
And, with all my anchors shaken, my faith in humanity, love, community- all my expectations dashed because I am different, I hold onto the one thing that I know.
I believe. In myself.