Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I believe

In myself. That is why, that is how I continue.

Some days, I wake like today. It was a beautiful morning. Great to be in bed with the guy that I love. But, soon as I switched on my phone, an sms message.
I had asked my brother a question. You know, my elder brother. The one I came out to, eons ago. The one who is a Pentecostal pastor. Fairly important question, a favour. I thought he would be able to do it for me.

Sadly, my sexuality is a huge problem. After a long time thinking about it, he told me he was not able to. He sent me the message. Then.
I know, I put him in a difficult position. Very difficult.
I am gay of course. But also a human being. I thought that his knowledge of me would trump the fear he has of my sexuality. Maybe I asked too much. Maybe.

I feel sad. That I asked the question, the favour.

I feel angry, that fear of what I am is the stumbling block.

I feel… horrible. Rejected.

MP Benson asked me why cant I believe that the whole world is wrong and Uganda correct on this? No, I answered. But, it is the same kind of thing with my sexuality in Uganda. Seems as if my whole world is set against me. Same pride, oddly. I know I am right.

It was wretched, coming out to my brother. Broke us off for some time.
This, my expectations, his hesistancy. What we are, in this Uganda of ours.

One gay leader once told me to stop dreaming, expecting acceptance from our world. Because, we gay people will never get it. Never. Our own people will always find an excuse to hate us. For reasons that are obscene, or petty, or real. Or imagined.

But, the world will always hate us.



So, why don’t I bend low, and accept and be what the world expects me to be? For the simplest of reasons. I am what I am.

And, with all my anchors shaken, my faith in humanity, love, community- all my expectations dashed because I am different, I hold onto the one thing that I know.

I believe. In myself.



spiralx said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
spiralx said...

"The whole world is wrong and Uganda is right...?"

He's clearly so up himself, he probably also spends his time sitting in front of a mirror telling himself how wonderful he is!

Reminds me of a story about a lady doctor who decided to give up smoking. As she said afterwards, "I didn't change at all, but everybody else became absolutely unbearable...!".

A Hoosier said...

I'm sorry about your situation with your brother. Rejection from those closest to us is always the hardest. Just don't give up on him.

I suppose this is painfully obvious but as the famous saying goes "People fear what they do not understand." People resist change. If they believe we're immoral, its hard for them to accept us as LGBT.

It's been a year(keep in mind I'm from the good ole USA) and my mother still struggles with the fact that I'm gay...though she really does try, and my dad(at least the last time we talked about it - such discussions rarely or never happen) he told me he loved me but that he didn't like what I did. Still yet, many[if not the majority] of my friends don't 'agree' with me or they struggle with reconciling their religious beliefs with me(of course so did I).
So I guess what I'm trying to say, is never give up. Your blog is an inspiration, and progress will come with enough time.

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